The Rebellion of the Stomach

This is a bit of an over-share, I know that for certain…but I am hoping someone can shine some light on what is so far a very dark day…

So after an innocent child mistook my man boobs for actual woman’s boobs sometime last week (to my absolute horror), I decided that perhaps I should clean myself up a bit. You know, look at my diet and regime to see what can be altered…so that people can hopefully stop asking me if I’ve had a sex change. That’s all I ask really, it’s not much is it? 

Pretty Please GIF

Well I saw that lunch and dinner (usually…) aren’t too much of a problem as I go for traditional style food…high in salt sure, but mainly balanced and full of vegetables. So instead it was breakfast where I was lacking, and making poor choices. Well not poor choices, fucking fantastically delicious choices – but you know what I mean. Not good for the dear old belly – although at the time they make the cuddly chap very happy indeed.

Oh, interesting side note – if I latch my belt tighter by one extra hole then it gives the appearance of a flatter stomach. Thought I would share that, because right now the discovery is changing my life. I am having my cake, and beating it! (Beating the bulge that is.)

Anyway, yeah – back to the horrendous diet thing. So I bought a load of fruits and vegetables, which as we all know are way more fun to buy than disgusting tasting things like pizza, burgers, and chips. I mean, ewww! Cheese? Grease? Fatty goodness? Gimme a break…some people are so selfish. They only like things that are like…delicious…in an obvious in your face kind of way. They have such lazy tastebuds. Myself however, I prefer things like fruit, and vegetables…because you really have to discover the tastes, and also (more often than not) lie to yourself and pretend it tastes great – which takes great dedication and character.

Harry Liar GIF

NO SERIOUSLY HARRY! That’s what real functioning adults do, and if you don’t do the same then you are a total loser and deserve to be thrown into a deep fat fryer – your natural habitat…

…ahh Harry man, I can’t stay mad at you – you were right.  This new fruit and vegetables for breakfast thing is ruining my life, and I am only like two days into it. Today I’ve had three poops and it’s not even 3pm yet. I mean…that’s simply not normal is it? When you have a pet rabbit it’s like fair-dos but humans have other things to do than sit on the pot 24-7. Or at least so I thought. 

Is this how all of the health nuts live? All the people that shame others into eating “right” in order to live forever (or whatever the claim is) – is this how their day looks? Just constant pooing? Is it like a fetish thing? Do they do it intentionally, or is this just a terrible yet unavoidable side effect?

Or am I a broken human, and this shouldn’t be happening? Perhaps I’m faulty? Maybe I should just have a pizza, and make everything okay again? Yeah…yeah? 

Oui GIF

ALRIGHT I’M HITTING THE RESET BUTTON! BACK TO PARADISE I GO, AWOOOOOOO, SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE SUCKAS!

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29 thoughts on “The Rebellion of the Stomach

  1. This is great! Love a bit of rubbish food! But your body is freaking out like “why you eat healthy?! Why no cake?!” So it’s getting rid of all of the previous rubbish! It’ll take a couple of weeks of eating differently for your body to be used to it! 😀

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  2. The test I believe … is when you swallow ( a spoon full )of tinned sweetcorn like tablets , whole. If your metabolism is back to efficient you should pass them within 12 hours.just saying! Clear your gut first ie: pooping, after all your stomach isn’t a composting bin! Then no wind, no bloat, no bad breath and possibly a flat stomach!

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  3. I can feel your pain! I realised that I was getting chubby last month and as my dinners are terrific and full of awesome fatty foods, I substituted it with one bowl of salad with lots of greens, 2 proteins and with no mayo. I have lost weight and this is when I’m a non-gym/non-remotely exercise person. Perhaps you try eating some leaves as well! All the best!

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    • Leaves, got it – just any old leaves, or specific ones? I feel like a snail…anyway, I’m getting side tracked. No mayo doesn’t sound fun, but I hope you are well on your way to feeling better about yourself (that’s what it is all about surely!)

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  4. What might make it easier to accomplish your goals is to make smaller, but less drastic changes. Instead of entirely revamping breakfast, perhaps a bit more portion control with your normal “delicious” fare and add in some healthier components. I also find that if I do not entirely remove foods that I enjoy, but just learn to eat smaller portions, I am less likely to “cheat.”

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  5. A couple of years ago I went to ‘fat club’ to try and loose a bit of weight, one week when I hadn’t lost any weight it was suggested I ate more fruit and veg, as on this particular diet you didn’t have to count them. My response of ‘if I eat any more of the stuff I’ll spend all day either on the loo or farting’ didn’t go down to well – even though I knew it was true!!

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  6. Yup, vanbytheriver is right. It’s just extra fiber that passes through more quickly. As your body gets used to it (a matter of days, not months), you’ll be back to your regular one-a-day (which is normal and healthy). Just stick it out! Even if it’s not for the losing weight, you’ll feel better and have better energy too.

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  7. Well on the upside the extra poopage is cleaning out your system and you are losing more weight.
    Downside – please avoid too many acidy fruits… otherwise with the poops in time will come some burn – eik!!

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  8. Well, now I feel like I’m even more abnormal than I already thought (I’m about to really overshare here too). 3 poops for me would be under-pooping. And I’m not talking diarrhea here, I just poop A LOT. And I am certainly no health nut. I don’t eat meat, but my diet is pretty heavy on carbs, cheese, and sugar.

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  9. I’ve heard that if you go less than twice a day, you are actually constipated. You should be having a dump for every major meal eaten if you want to prevent nasty digestive issues…including cancer “down there”. Just sayin’. Also, I hear that people are spending big bucks on colon cleanses. You’ve hit the mother load as far as those folks are concerned.

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