FIRST FEATURE FILM: Montserrat Madness

COMING SOON – the dramatic epic that is sure to rock the world: a tale of two men, one mountain, and lots of stress fuelled largely by a lack of fitness.

This really tickled me, and I hope it does for you too – in a world where it seems horrendous things happen all too often, it is joy and happiness which should reign supreme:

You really should subscribe to his channel if you are big on the YouTubez, as my friend is not only a talented young whippersnapper but is also offering free cakes to the first few people who get in touch with him. DISCLAIMER: you have to fly all the way to South Korea to pick up said cakes, by then they may be gone, also I may have made this whole thing up – but still, subscribe anyway? Thanks pals.


I hope everyone is doing well, I have had a whole lot going on lately but haven’t forgotten about all you lovely people…I have Barcelona (Spain) to write about, Gdansk (Poland) next month, and a couple of weeks on the road in the USA in July…so let’s have everything crossed that I get my act in order and come back with some silliness after that – there’s bound to be a couple of tales. Till then, peace and love people – peace and love x

Jane Bond?

I just heard some so-called breaking currraaaaazy news: Gillian Anderson  (of The X-Files fame) has announced that she would be more than happy to have a sex change and become James Bond. Or perhaps just remain as she is and play Jane Bond; that would make more sense. Or…well…whatever – she wants to take over the role and now people are freaking out.

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Some have taken to punching the air and gasping “woooo yeah double oh heaven!” or words to that effect – but from what I can see most comments from flabbergasted fans have been filled with the typical internet-ish sort of vitriol:*

“…how can a lady run, jump, and make grunting sounds?  Only men can do that! Don’t even get me started on shooting guns and storming out of offices. Keep out of our domain, will ya?!” 

“…women shouldn’t play agents, it’s just not believable – apart from that red headed one in the alien files thing. She was okay, I guess.”

“…the name’s Bond, James Bond – not Jane. Jane is a different name to James. Get your own movie franchise, and name – women have taken everything and now they are trying to take our names too. Despicable.”

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Now I of course, couldn’t care less. And not because I am some sort of spectacular progressive or a constant warrior against discrimination at every single turn (I am to some extent but I have other things like bacon and TV going on which take priority), the thing is that…well…I couldn’t give a flying fuck about James Bond. At all. 

I suppose I do think it odd that a woman would play the role of a man, and that after so many years it would suddenly change – but not enough for me to kick off and become red in the face. Take the Ghostbusters reboot for an example – it looks dreadful. That’s my opinion and I don’t need to dance on a table and scream it from the rooftops so people know it…I can mention it and then move along. Same here.

Or if someone told me there was going to be an all men Sex and the City for some bizarre reason…I would politely reply with: “oh really…hmm, how interesting” – which would be good manners code for: “I couldn’t give a shit, why are you boring me with this information?”

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I mean, is it a big deal? Was it even worthy of this rambled non-sensical article? Are there not more important things to worry about? Like making sure you don’t have holey socks, nailing small talk with the person at the supermarket checkout, or well…anything else really. 

James Bond is an action film, something you watch if there is nothing else on, if you are stuck on a long haul flight, or if you are a die-hard fan. It’s not awful, but let’s not pretend it is something sacred and that if a lady were to play the role hell would freeze over and David Cameron would go skipping along with Donald Trump dealing out free marshmallows for everyone no matter their race or tax band.

Simply put it’s just a movie! And she likely won’t get the role anyway, after all it was mostly suggested in fun…but if she does and it pisses you off: just don’t watch it. 

Oh and it should go without saying that these are not “real” quotes – as they were too depressing and depraved. Instead they are an entertaining amalgamation of the stuff I read. You’re welcome. No really, it’s nothing. Fine send some cake please.*

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The Power of Film

Film is important: 

And there are many reasons for this as it is such a vivid combination of so many arts; cinematography, music, sound design, editing, storytelling, acting…they all play a part in this unparalleled form of expression. It also possesses the sufficient wizardry required to transport us to faraway places and times – both physically and mentally…we can also experience a character’s life and gain an insight into their point of view, however wacky and odd their personality may be. This can serve to make us more accepting, and less prejudice people…or more unaccepting and discriminatory people – with great films comes great power, and (often) well…irresponsibility.

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For a quick example I watched the new James Bond film recently (Spectre), and I found myself nodding along like…“yeah…yeah…I AM in essence 007!” I mean I like clothes, travel, and alcohol – also I’m not a huge fan of overpowering authority figures – the only mark against is that I don’t shoot people for money: but that’s only a minor part of the whole movie franchise, so there we go! I am Bond, James Bond: and I don’t want to hear any arguments about it…

In other news my kindergarten kids have just got into Star Wars…I suppose they’ve been playing it on the TV recently, what with the new one coming out next month – and we’ve been delighting in having non-stop lightsaber battles throughout the duration of the day. I’ve also realised that I am more than likely closer to the dark side than most would say is normal…case in point I have been delighting in killing my six year old Jedi students with my force lightning ability. I mean someone has to be the Sith bad guy – and the red swords are a lot better looking…and yeah, yeah, I know I will eventually lose – but at least I get to look cool while doing it…

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« So you see there is this sense of escape, fantasy…or perhaps even unattainable galactic dreams – and it’s not a thing which can be easily shaken. Or stirred… (urgh, see what I mean?!) »

It’s always been this way though: perhaps I’m easily influenced, but there’s never been a time I can remember where films and their characters haven’t played a pivotal role in either how I want my life to be, or who I wish to be as a person. And naturally I haven’t adopted these roles entirely like some mad life-long method actor – but rather I have just absorbed certain elements which I then begin to endorse…case in point with The Lord of the Rings I became aware through Gimli that running for long distances wasn’t fun – and with Merry and Pippin, that second breakfasts were not something to be embarrassed about. And in Dumbo I learned that if you drink too much bloodthirsty pink elephants will appear in a frenetic dream sequence intent on killing you. All of these things are totally necessary, and I’m thankful for the world of film for enlightening me in so many ways… 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this ramble…would love to hear of some characters and movies which you have enjoyed – especially ones I haven’t heard of! Always on the hunt for a new favourite!

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Adult Movies and Angry Stares

I think as an eternally awkward and embarrassed individual certain scenarios are made doubly worse and triply…trebly…erm – errrr…three times as dramatic as they should be. Phew, that was an ordeal in itself! 

But I have somewhat come to terms with this fact and now consider myself to be a somewhat fully functioning nervous wreck, as opposed to a few years ago where I was a full time rocking chair enthusiast…

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That doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly a cool cucumber, reminiscent of Jude Law in his prime (before his hair receded and he started looking like a half peeled potato). You see, I don’t particularly have a strut, and my smile to strangers is still weirdly forced – but I no longer poo my pants at the prospect of talking to someone working in a supermarket. Which is sort of like a victory…in my own strange way…well, it saves money on new clothes anyways – which is practically the same thing.

But on a recent flight I found myself resorting to old habits…as the nerve-racked Mr. Hyde-side of my being crept uneasily back into my life, stammering and sweating with every embarrassed step. You see I was on a long-haul flight just a couple of days ago, and was the reddened meat of a Chinese grandmother sandwich…we had nodded, and smiled to each other – and had even exchanged some muddled pleasantries before growing suitably bored and reaching for our respective sets of headphones. (The internationally known sign for “don’t talk to me please.”)

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I began to look through the selection of films, hoping to catch sight of a new-ish one I’d missed the first time around. There were a few that stood out; a serious looking one with James Franco and Jonah Hill, a thriller with Jake Gyllenhaal, and…the newest Spongebob Squarepants movie – all promised to offer some entertainment, and an opportunity to put a dent in the horrendous thirteen hour flight time. I then decided that I would keep these three in reserve, and would only start to watch them when life suddenly didn’t feel like living…until then I would watch some funnily bad films, whilst I still have the energy to put up with them. Strange logic, but made sense at the time. 

So on went a low budget movie picture about a serial killer…can’t recall the name but after ten minutes some poor lady was being strung up in ropes as she screamed and begged for mercy – it was brutal. Unfortunately this opinion hadn’t escaped the grandma buns on either side…who were now staring at me as if I was the crazy killer myself…I mean, the scene had me uncomfortable, but the looks had made it unbearable: as if they were saying “ahhh, so this is the sick shit you’re into then, huh? I wish I had never smiled and said hello now…I retract them both from our shared history books.” 

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Anyway, the humiliation and embarrassment took over and so off it went – it was a terrible movie in the first place so nothing lost, right? Instead I searched for something else to fill the silence and put on a rather unsuspecting drama of some sort…which opened with a gratuitous sex scene – naturally. But surprise-surprise they weren’t fond of that either, and both began to swivel their heads, and tut louder than I had ever heard anyone tut. “Hmmm-mmm, oh” they began to murmur…but any fool could have worked out what they were really trying to say…

“So this is the sick shit you’re into, is it? That’s the check list for any movie you watch; violence, gore, and overly dramatic and cringeworthy sex scenes? Can’t you just watch fucking Toy Story like a normal human?! You make me sick – and after all we’ve been through as well…urgh.”

So I zapped off that as well; I had got the message loud and clear. There was something nice about staring at the blank black screen after the whole palava – there was to be no judgement, which felt good. I then pulled out the book I’m currently reading (W.H. Davies’: ‘The Autobiography of a Super-Tramp) and flicked through its pages until the grandma bread on either side of me slipped away into unconsciousness…about three minutes later thankfully. 

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I was then free to watch whatever I wanted. So on went the classic: ‘Killer Penis Hostage Bastard’. It was a fun watch, I’d recommend it to anyone! Apart from my new grandmother friends of course. But shhhhh, they don’t need to know about that!

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What Childhood Movies Taught Me…

I’ve been having myself a good old nostalgia fest today – thinking back to some of the best films I loved during my childhood (and still do!)  I suppose I didn’t realise it then…but a lot of the films were teaching me valuable lessons on life – and in many ways I owe everything I am now, to them! Here are ten of the most poignant philosophies that I, and millions of others were taught ~

1. “That breakfast food is the best – and there is no such thing as too much…”

(Uncle Buck)

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  • This lesson in particular, has held true all of my life. Although I am yet to use a snow shovel to make humongous pancakes – it is definitely on my bucket list.

2. “That they don’t sell human eyeballs in supermarkets…”

(Jumanji)

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  •  Just in case they were ever on your grocery list. Also we learned that not all board games, make you bored – as the name may suggest. Obviously having Robin Williams present helps massively.

3. “That everyone always appreciates hip actions, winking, and pointing…”

(Toy Story)

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  •  Having killer boots also helps. There’s just something about the sleazy wink that sends people wild with lust! In my experience, so wild they evacuate the building immediately.

4. “That you should go to great lengths to keep your special areas clean.”

(The Lion King)

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  •  Cleanliness is next to godliness. Enlist a friend, or trusted person for those hard to reach places.

5. “That electrocuting dead people doesn’t bring them back – but crying does…” 

(Pokémon: The First Movie)

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  •  This is obviously one of those practice makes perfect things, because so far it’s not working for me…I’ll stick at it though. I’m sure the magic Pokémon tears will come soon…

6. “That you should be distrustful of every single old lady…”

(The Witches)

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  •  Especially ones with demonic purple eyes, huge claws – and a tendency to try and murder every single child they come across. The more lovely, and doting they appear…the more likely they are to have a penchant for incineration. Be careful, kids.

7. “That if your friends are unhappy, hit them with things until they’re not…”

(Drop Dead Fred)

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  •  I haven’t had a 100% success rate with this one. Closer to 0% actually – but I’m not one to give up…she was happy-ish at the end of the film, so perhaps it takes a while to take effect.

8. “That it’s okay to set people on fire…”

(Home Alone)

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  •  If you do it with a little cheeky smile that is. Don’t worry about the hideous life-long scars, and the medical bills. That’s not your problem…just keep thinking of new ways to torture people. They deserve it. Probably…

9. “That the world is your gym – you just have to get creative…”

(Matilda)

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  •  Also, another side point…it’s never to late to pick up some of your own hobbies. Perhaps consider having another person with you, the company certainly makes it more fun!

10. “That sometimes people won’t agree with your fashion choices…

(Space Jam)

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  • But despite all that Bill Murray will always be there to save the day. Oh, and that Michael Jordan’s Secret Stuff is good for you; so drink up – however this is not to be confused with Michael Jackson’s secret, Jesus Juice.

Well that’s all folks! Happy to be your daily dose of nostalgia today! Did I miss any vital ones? If so, let me know…perhaps I missed the message the first time around…

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I LOVE JAR JAR!

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I hope this doesn’t offend too many huge Star Wars fans out there; you know the die-hard types that actually put “Jedi” down as their religion on important forms, and hope to one day actually construct a real light saber in their garage workshop. I mean no harm, but please hear me out as I have a confession to make…

I LIKE JAR-JAR-BINKS. NO, SCRATCH THAT!

I FUCKING LOVE JAR-JAR-BINKS!

…phew. I feel so much better. Sorry about that…

You see, I was like you – I couldn’t stand him. I quite enjoyed the newer movies on the whole (it was my childhood after all), but where Liam Neeson and the huge array of new bad guys succeeded, the presence of Jar Jar Binks always threatened to give me high blood pressure. Yes, even at that young age. There was just something about being forced to watch an absolute moron stumble through scene after scene, which made me want to throw my milkshake and/or Lego blocks at the television. Every time I watched that part with the big fish on Episode I, I hoped…no, I prayed, that somehow the outcome would be different – that this time he would be ripped apart, while Qui Gon and Obi Won swam away holding up their middle fingers…unfortunately that’s not how video tapes work, and consequently didn’t ever  happen.

But…I’m very happy to say I had a change of heart recently.

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You see, there’s a child in my kindergarten class who really struggles, and I mean struggles. I actually think he has some kind of learning difficulty which has been either missed or totally ignored (I suspect the latter sadly), this of course is no laughing matter, so I try to give him extra help wherever and whenever I can. I even suggested that he stays behind a couple of days so I can give extra (unpaid) lessons in my spare break time. Long story short, I love this kid, because he’s an all-around amazing little dude.

Problem is, he reminds me of someone…everything he says is always “meeesaaa don’t like this”, or “meeesaaa want to come with you”, and “meeesaaa day startin pretty okey day”…okay fine, I made the last one up. But yeah, he speaks in unintentional ebonics – JUST LIKE MY OLD NEMESIS JAR JAR! But what’s more strange is that I don’t mind it so much, I correct his grammar and sentence structure, but it doesn’t annoy me…I certainly have no wish to see a huge alien fish eat him alive.

Maybe I’m more mature than I was? Hmmm…nah, definitely can’t be that.

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So anyway, a couple of days ago I re-watched Episode I, for the first time in a long, long time (for errr, research), and you know what? I found him utterly charming and thoroughly amusing. There I said it!

I feel a little bad for the hate mail and packages of dog shit I sent George Lucas many moons ago. Oh well, you can’t change the past…right?

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Kim Jon Un’s Hairstyle…

Sorry for the many expletives…but that’s to be expected when a hairdresser gives you a KIM JON UN style makeover – against your own will! I mean…COME ON!

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