Posted on by Storytime with John

HORRIFYING.

You need to feel sorry for me…like right now – please!

I need all of the “there, there!”, the pats on the back…the warm soup, and blanket – ALL OF THAT STUFF! Because to put it plainly I have just been shook to the very core. In fact my whole world may NEVER be the same…

Worried

Let me just preface by saying I think of myself as a nice enough person – I once helped a blind person across the road, and for years upon years, I used to visit this little old lady, and help her out wherever I could. Okay fine, she was my Grandma – and I only ever helped her finish off the chocolate biscuits – BUT STILL!  It doesn’t mean I deserve this grave injustice, it doesn’t mean that my entire world should be swept away from my feet…to reveal a secret hatch into the fiery depths of an unimaginable form of hell! Does it?! 

Well let me tell you this my fine fellows, you can’t trust ANYONE but yourself. You really can’t. I used to have someone that I thought I could trust…someone who was always there for me, someone who I could call up night, or day…someone who would drop everything to visit me, and knew all of the ways to make me smile. But no longer…

It was a Wednesday, a hump day as it is known – and what better way to power over said hump than dialing up and getting yourself a hot cheesy pizza? After all you’ve earned it! I’m not sure why exactly, but there’s no point quibbling over these unimportant specifics! 

So yeah, you call up your favourite place – and order a large one – because any other size simply does not compute…and then it arrives, and the excitement is real. So you rush around in a frantic mad bunny dash, to set up the perfect situation in which to fully enjoy the experience…aware that with every passing moment it gets colder, and colder, and colder…and in turn the amount of make-shift love it will provide will decrease along with it…

ROmantic GIF

Okay, I’ll stop being facetious…or hyperbolic (depending on your position on pizza, I suppose!) and just cut to the chase.

It took me a few slices to realise this – because clearly I eat like a rampant buffalo man – but the cheese on the pizza tasted like literal vomit. And not even good, fresh…like baby milky vomit – no, I’m talking like wretched all you can eat buffet kinda vomit. And stupidly I had asked for them to load up on cheese…or to quote myself, “whatever you think is a lot of cheese, then some more!” Because you know, you can’t trust people to have the same appreciation of cheese. Some people are weird, you know? 

So it’s fully my fault I suppose, I could have just had a garnishing of sick on my pizza, but instead I have it besmirching the whole thing with a simply filthy taste. It was like…God, what was it like? …hmmm…imagine milk that has gone bad, and then you leave it in the sun some more – and piss in it for some unknown reason…well yeah, that is what they did, and then it was going right in my mouth.

Horrible person I am, I still ate the majority of it. Left two slices, which has never happened in recorded history. I am actually totally turned off from pizza now, I feel like I have lost a life-long friend, I feel like a bit of me is gone forever…I don’t know what to do, who to turn to. Who will fill this pizza shaped void? 

Well, still trying to stay positive. I have a date with fried chicken, very soon – wish me luck!

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35 Replies to “HORRIFYING.”

  1. Truly horrifying! That you persisted eating the majority shows great fortitude. We had an encounter with a particularly repulsive cheese in France called “Monk’s slipper” which caused our hotel to be evacuated so I understand your pain. Thanks for the great post! 🙂

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  4. Lol! Now I love pizza, but during a diet I followed, there was no gluten allowed, and the delightful pizza place we use had introduced a gluten free base, so I thought I’ll be good, try that instead… It was like eating cardboard with toppings… It put me off for ages, but I have to admit, the craving came back a while later, so I stuck to normal stuff instead!

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  7. I am truly sorry it came to this…But in my experience it is never a good idea to order Western food in a non-Western country. They have peculiar notions, you know, about what things are. For instance, in the Middle East you can get hot sizzling skewers of turkey testicles and beef tonsils, but you cannot find a proper cup of tea with cream, because they only ever cook with something out of a box that is CALLED cream and comes in different percentages of milk fat. But it is NOT cream. The coffee is delicious, but there again I like cream in my coffee, and I can’t get it. The pizza in Israel is fantastic and does NOT taste like vomit. You should come over and have some. It’s worth the trip and you could teach everyone whatever you like. You won’t get paid, but that shouldn’t put you off. The food really is delicious, if you stay away from things requiring cream. You can get a croissant in Jerusalem that (sorry, Frenchies) knocks the socks off of any I’ve had in France, even if they were only Charles de Gaulle airport croissants. Still, you would think…But no. Just keep going till you get to Ben Gurion and you will have a fine croissant. And delicious pizza too. Without turkey testicles, but then we don’t mix milk and meat. And sushi. And kosher MacDonald’s, but no cheeseburgers.

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  10. Your relationship with pizza is similar to my relationship with chocolate. And so, I am here to offer a message of hope:

    I once ate nasty nasty chocolate (I know!! Sounds impossible, but IT HAPPENED. Sugar mixed with some butter and lots of brown food colouring.)

    And I recovered.

    Where there is true love, there must be forgiveness and perseverance.

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  11. You set that up for something much different than a pizza story. I was ready to think you were robbed or conned out of all your money or right to stay in South Korea or something. Geez.
    Sorry about the nasty cheese though.

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  17. Sometimes breaking up is hard to do John. However, you’ve done the best you could with this relationship. But just let me say… your trust has been violated, and there must be consequences. Hey, they’re plenty of other pizzas in the sea.

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  19. Under normal circumstances there is no such thing as too much cheese. I mean, it’s CHEESE! Cheese on cheese is no bad thing.
    BUT, these were obviously exceptional circumstances. I’d ask how you ever managed to carry on…but then after other foodie blogs I can’t say I’m 100% surprised. It can’t be as bad as snapping eel or dog. If you ever want to write a second book I swear your food adventures are literally waiting on a plate to be published on paper!

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  21. I didn’t realize how many people called Wednesday “Hump Day”… First time I heard it was about a week ago! But as a fellow cheese-addict, I feel your pain, bro.

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  26. A gross, horrifying story filled with terrifying imagery 🙂
    This is why for the most part I make my own, I am always suss on new pizza places. Sometimes I do go for Dominoes, but mostly because their pizzas are $5 everyday and who can beat that? Plus there is consistency in how bad they are, it’s almost like you can depend on it haha.

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  28. I know just what you experienced! I had a similar situation…ordered a dish I love in a foreign country and it was NOT what I expected at all…really disgusting! Glad you survived the pizza ordeal…hope the chicken works out for you! ~ Sheila

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    1. Well…hmmm…there are some nice ones I reckon – you have to be careful of men, and women in actual reality! There are some dusty chaps like me who are still quite traditional – and reckon, love and caring for your lady are traits to be admired. But yeah, possibly a minority?

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  30. Oh man! You had me completely hoodwinked!!! For a majority of this post I thought you were taking about a person…but then you switch to…PIZZA!!! Well, leave it to me to be easily fooled. All I can hear in the back of my mind is “GOTCHA!” Still, this post was super hilarious. Thanks for the laughs and having me utterly fooled.😁

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