Rise of Snaggletooth (八重歯)

I had braces as a kid, and although it was pretty much an all-around horrible experience (like a torture rack latched to your teeth for over a year – which is constantly being tightened by a white cloaked executioner)…I am now happy I had it done and out of the way by age 16. It is all a little blurry now, but to my recollection I used to have rather goofy teeth – and a bit of a snaggle overhang thing which must have been pretty unsightly to behold…in short I looked like piano keys someone had taken a bat to. 

Piano Teeth GIF

This isn’t thought to be an attractive look, it’s that “Hollywood smile” or nothing – right? Well so I was led to believe…so consequently after the shackles in my mouth were removed, and I was liberated to the rest of the normal toothed community I couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief! “At last I can smile widely in photos, rather than just a tightly pursed smirk! Wahooo, the world’s my oyster!” (not an actual quote).

Anyway, I thought back to this momentous occasion recently due to my trip to Japan. As I wandered the streets there I couldn’t help but notice that…well not to be rude.and not to generalise but..well, most people didn’t have perfectly aligned teeth. Actually most had quite the opposite.

I was naturally a little uncomfortable that I had such a baseless shallow thought, so did my best to put it out of my mind. As if it was just a mirage in a desert, best ignored because it has no basis in reality. But then I kept seeing it over, and over. I even turned on my hotel room’s television…and there they were again; snaggletooth after snaggletooth, crooked teeth and even more crooked teeth…just what was going on here? Perhaps the “ordinary people” can be forgiven, but the Japanese A-listers? What do they think they are playing at?!

Vomit GIF

So I took to the internet as every person with a grievance does these days. I wanted to be told that it was all in my head, and that I was essentially an awful person for judging people on their looks, and blah blah blah. But what I actually discovered was a lot more intriguing…

You see what I had inadvertently stumbled into in Japan was somewhat of a cultural phenomenon…a one where so called bad teeth are held to a completely different set of rules. In Japan they don’t jam metal into their mouths to force them to comply to the beauty standards – instead they embrace yaeba 八重歯 – “the multi-layered tooth” – because it’s considered cute, and endearing in a child-like sort of way. They believe that the snaggletooth is not a look better suited to dinosaurs, and is instead down-right adorable!

It shouldn’t be much of surprise to hear that because of this trend the yaeba snaggletooth has ventured into Japanese cosmetic surgery…where people actually check in and ask for their teeth to be given an uneven appearance and/or to be provided with extra fake fangs. This is a small minority of course, but as there is also no standard of beauty that dictates straight teeth should be the sole goal, there is generally not much motivation to fix crooked, and bad teeth. As they are only thought to be a bad thing in the west – there’s a bit of a “who even cares?” mentality I suppose.

Braces GIF

Wish I knew that before I got braces mind you…a year of pain, and slurping at luke-warm soup. Urgh…could have just moved to Japan! Anyway, in all seriousness it made me recognise how silly, trite, and banal our preset ideas about beauty really are. In one place we are told things should be one way, and in another it is the complete opposite. It’s ridiculous really, it should just be about feeling comfortable in yourself…but instead we feel drawn to complying.

I wonder why this is? 

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The Rebellion of the Stomach

This is a bit of an over-share, I know that for certain…but I am hoping someone can shine some light on what is so far a very dark day…

So after an innocent child mistook my man boobs for actual woman’s boobs sometime last week (to my absolute horror), I decided that perhaps I should clean myself up a bit. You know, look at my diet and regime to see what can be altered…so that people can hopefully stop asking me if I’ve had a sex change. That’s all I ask really, it’s not much is it? 

Pretty Please GIF

Well I saw that lunch and dinner (usually…) aren’t too much of a problem as I go for traditional style food…high in salt sure, but mainly balanced and full of vegetables. So instead it was breakfast where I was lacking, and making poor choices. Well not poor choices, fucking fantastically delicious choices – but you know what I mean. Not good for the dear old belly – although at the time they make the cuddly chap very happy indeed.

Oh, interesting side note – if I latch my belt tighter by one extra hole then it gives the appearance of a flatter stomach. Thought I would share that, because right now the discovery is changing my life. I am having my cake, and beating it! (Beating the bulge that is.)

Anyway, yeah – back to the horrendous diet thing. So I bought a load of fruits and vegetables, which as we all know are way more fun to buy than disgusting tasting things like pizza, burgers, and chips. I mean, ewww! Cheese? Grease? Fatty goodness? Gimme a break…some people are so selfish. They only like things that are like…delicious…in an obvious in your face kind of way. They have such lazy tastebuds. Myself however, I prefer things like fruit, and vegetables…because you really have to discover the tastes, and also (more often than not) lie to yourself and pretend it tastes great – which takes great dedication and character.

Harry Liar GIF

NO SERIOUSLY HARRY! That’s what real functioning adults do, and if you don’t do the same then you are a total loser and deserve to be thrown into a deep fat fryer – your natural habitat…

…ahh Harry man, I can’t stay mad at you – you were right.  This new fruit and vegetables for breakfast thing is ruining my life, and I am only like two days into it. Today I’ve had three poops and it’s not even 3pm yet. I mean…that’s simply not normal is it? When you have a pet rabbit it’s like fair-dos but humans have other things to do than sit on the pot 24-7. Or at least so I thought. 

Is this how all of the health nuts live? All the people that shame others into eating “right” in order to live forever (or whatever the claim is) – is this how their day looks? Just constant pooing? Is it like a fetish thing? Do they do it intentionally, or is this just a terrible yet unavoidable side effect?

Or am I a broken human, and this shouldn’t be happening? Perhaps I’m faulty? Maybe I should just have a pizza, and make everything okay again? Yeah…yeah? 

Oui GIF

ALRIGHT I’M HITTING THE RESET BUTTON! BACK TO PARADISE I GO, AWOOOOOOO, SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE SUCKAS!

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Go Compare…

I don’t know what it is…but I can’t help it – it’s hard to resist…and the easy access makes it all the more simple – and therefore all the more difficult to avoid…

I’m talking about comparisons. What did you think I was talking about? Anyway….yeah, it’s like an addiction of sorts – fuelled by the little cartoonish angel, and devil that sit on either side of my slouched shoulders…neither of them are helpful if I’m honest…

Angel Devil GIF

Devil: hehehe! Look John, LOOOOK! Check out his wikipedia…by 21 he was doing comedy shows around the country, what are you doing, huh? Huh? hehehe…just quit now – and eat some cake.

Angel: Oh, don’t listen to him! Look! Look! Check out his story…he was addicted to heroin until his late 20s, you’re doing great…in comparison…sort of…but if you don’t make it – then…well yeah…heroin?

Thanks guys, but kindly fuck off – will you?! 

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Kids Go CRAZY.

So there was some weirdness today, as there is every day…actually it is so common place that I feel silly even reporting it to you – but nonetheless I will, as it got me thinking about something…

You see I was in the soft play bit of the kindergarten school, and had probably just fell down the slide, or been accidentally headbutted in the groin – when one of my students began to yell for my attention… “JOHNNN! LOOK. JOHNNNNNN! JOHNNNN! LOOK, LOOK, LOOOOOOK!” Well of course I span around, wondering what was so urgent that I couldn’t miss – you know,  what was it that meant I had to drop everything just to gaze upon it?

I wasn’t disappointed….there little Daniel was – flailing his arms in a frenetic motion, grinning from ear to ear, eyes half open – as if the joy of the moment was too much to fully witness. There was no rhythm, there was no steps, technique, or order…it was just whatever feels good, do. And oh my was he doing…

Peep Show GIF

I laughed, and he laughed…and the others laughed too, they didn’t join in – they just appreciated that he was having his own little kind of crazy moment, and he was having fun with it! And I thought it was amazing – adults are so restrained, and limited, and…well, let’s just say this – if I did the same thing it wouldn’t take long for the men in white coats to take me away, and sedate me for the rest of my life…how depressing. 

I love to just let loose – and just be yourself…your true self – not the pretend one you show people…it’s unfortunate that people find it quite weird, and unsettling when you just go with whatever is lurking in your head. Like on a date this Sunday I found myself laughing out loud quite literally – a thought I’d had crept into my head, and forced this reaction…then I had to explain myself to someone who really didn’t get what I was talking about – never mind find it funny…

“You see…well…the sections of that store – they have like…the BODY section, weirdly close to the HAIR section. So it looks like the BODY HAIR section, hahahaha…at a beauty store, haha…yeah, like…body hair – you know? Body…erm…hair…yeah…” 

Awkward Franco GIF

“There’s nothing funny about that. At all.”

And that was me put in my place. She was right of course, I suppose that should have just stayed in my head along with a bunch of other things I find myself saying, and doing – but it just gets so congested in there sometimes – it’s not surprising some hop out almost against my will!

I wish we lived in a world where we could just say, and do what we liked (as long as it didn’t hurt anyone else)…kids get an out. Where’s ours? And when did I trade it in – I don’t remember that at all…

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The Sad Eyes…

I find young children to be very attentive, certainly a lot more than people give them credit for anyway. It’s easy to look at them playing – pretending to be chasing after an imaginary monster, taking out evil ninjas, or goodness knows what else…and think that they are not clued in to the real world in the same way we are. But in actual fact they are a lot more involved in their emotions, and consequently less guarded with them – this is probably because they don’t have all of the usual adult complications, and worries. Well, that’s one of many reasons, but let’s not get into that!

What the hell am I rambling about this time? Alright, I’ll cut to the chase! You see the day that I was just wandering around, in a bewildered daze...I was actually feeling so lost. I am a positive person, or at least I’d like to think so anyway – but I have these drops down to deep, and rather dark depression every, now and again. Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere – like an evil little gnome….kind of…anyway, it whispers things into my ear, and allows for its wickedness to permeate into my living thoughts. Everything becomes tarnished, and everything becomes shitty in my view…a little bit like Cinderella – but in reverse. So imagine I had the fantastic chariot, the clothes, the dream life so to speak…and then this nasty little critter comes along, and suddenly all I see is a fucking pumpkin.

Pumpkin GIF

Not ideal. But anyway, this time around it was to do with the fact I’d just broke up with my girlfriend – we had tried to work out our problems, but they repeated themselves as they so often do. Sometimes you just aren’t making each other happy, and there’s not a lot more to it – just because you want people to change doesn’t mean they do. So this time it is done for good in my head…it’s not so much that I want someone else, it’s that I don’t want to be in a toxic negative situation. I’m certainly not installing Tinder, or hitting the town, and being all “hey good-lookin, how are”…okay, I’ll stop there because I’m making myself cringe. But yeah, I’m not doing any of that. 

I’ve told myself I can focus more on my work, write more – be more productive or whatever…which is a plus…but unfortunately I’m not a robot- so those in between days when you’re alone, those are the ones that sting. Those are the ones that the gnome comes out for…

So come Monday morning I was feeling a little better, but still sad. Still would have much rather just sat in my pants, feeling sorry for myself…listening to one of my favourite “boo-hoo lfe is so unfair to me” break-up songs – front runners are Kid Cudi – All Along, and Nirvana-Something in the Way – the gnome loves them too, they’re horribly beautiful – and make me want to shoot myself in the head.

Blam GIF

But anyway, I headed into school, desperate to not let it effect my time with the kids.  It would be unprofessional, and unfair after all. So, I made sure I was extra-lively, I put on my best Jim Carrey mask, and bounced off the walls even more than usual, my expressions were far crazier, my voices even more weird…the kids were smiling, and laughing – I was doing well, or so I thought until one of the children, Angela – tapped me on the shoulder gently…

“Are you okay?” she gazed up at my face, examining me without a single blink –

“Of course! Today we are going to the PLAY ROOM! WOOOOO!” I replied, with a silly little jig, as the other kids cheered…

“Okay? Really? Teacher…has…sad eyes.” 

Why GIF

Well maybe it’s true…actually it certainly is. But there’s happiness out there, just have to find out where. 

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p.s. apologies if there aren’t as many posts during this weird time, once I’ve booted the gnome in his face, all will be well in the world again. And services should resume as normal! 

Harmony, Peace…and other dreams.

I would love to live in a perfect world.

For me it would be all marshmallow houses, chocolate rivers, and a whole lot of laughter. Basically the plot of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Minus the singing mind you, because I couldn’t really deal with that – but the overall positive vibe, and focus on confectionery make it a paradise I wish we could someday live in.

Pure Imagination GIF

Alright, I must admit I’m not sure what that world would actually look like…as it has never been that way…woolly mammoths chewing our legs, God induced floods wrecking everything, and a whole lot of man-made monstrosities doing a lot more damage, have made humankind skeptical about whether a perfect world can ever become a reality, that maybe we are destined to live in an unfair shit-hole where some thrive, and some struggle to even survive.

This appears to be a terrifying reality, so we try and ignore it…we used to look up at the stars, and curse the Gods for inflicting such pain upon us, ask them what we had done to wrong them so – rather than facing the fact that it was just humans being fucked up once again…we would beg them to allow us to “win” bloody wars, implore them to improve our social standing, or whatever other greed fueled desires we wished for…basically we would think of the problem as external to us, rather than being anything to do with our own behaviour.

…but now it’s becoming shockingly clear that the disease is among us – the foul disease of intolerance, corruption, and hate. 

So yes, the harsh truth is we don’t live in a perfect world – not even close. But the light at the end of the tunnel is this; as all of this ignorant bullshit was created by man, so it can also (I hope) be undone by man; piece by piece, little by little…by something that is foreign to a lot of people, and that is – being fucking nice to people. Phew, easy as that! You’re welcome world!

Leo Dance GIF

Oh…you think there’s more to it? Ooops…is there?

Yeah John , fucking hell – it’s not as simple as that! You’re oversimplifying everything – put on your thinking hat! What if they come from a different place, what if they’re a different race? What if they’re gay, what if they’re straight? What if they’re God-fearing, disbelieving, or a heathen? What if then? Huh? Huh? Huh?

 Now it’s true that there are differences among people – and for some reason we use these things to divide. Is it human nature? I hope not. We should celebrate these glorious divergences, not allow them to box us in, or border us off – they should enrich us, we should share them with one another, as a way to bring us together!

The recent video of Eric Garner in particular made me cry in despair (LITERALLY) – as it brought to light in a raw, and obvious form that there are still major divisions between us, based on factors that shouldn’t fucking matter. Fear, and the threat of violence are no way for us to live in the 21st century…in the developed world…if you don’t see that, then…urghhhh…

But despair gets us nowhere, unfriending those people on Facebook who spout hatred won’t do a thing – real change happens when we mold ignorant minds, and show them the way. Otherwise the ignorant will remain the way they are.

I wrote this with those people in mind, I do hope you share it with those who need it the most. We may never have a perfect world…but it’ll be a start…

With special thanks to www.edwinaepisodes.com for being one of the nice ones. 

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My Facebook Space.

We used to be satisfied with our own personal space, that was enough for us – we would just bask in the warmth of our life, and our memories…our hopes, our dreams. MySpace, was a comfortable place…a musical land, with you, and your closest companions…your, top friends…I suppose you could call them. 

But with time we began to desire more – we wanted to see what life was like outside of this space…I admit MySpace became something of a bore…so without much warning, we escaped. Not literally of course. (We remained within the Internet compound.)

But instead we ran to elaborate works of literature…volumes with more than Myspace…suddenly I was flicking through the pages of Facebook. Never before had I seen so many faces! They made Myspace look bland in comparison! Reams, and reams of…well, faces! Of all cultures, colours, and creeds!

Reading GIF

So for now I am content, Myspace has became another chapter of the Facebook anthology. I feel part of a community, and I like it. 

But I open another window anyway – even though they say curiosity killed the cat…I want to hear this morning’s birds Twitter, and tweet. What’s the problem with that?

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