Writer, Filmmaker, & Procrastinator
Just made a discovery…with no hair gel I strongly resemble a 90s boy band member! Lucky me, ey?
Maybe I could give it a try…anyone up for forming a group?
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As you wade through the mysterious complexities of life, encountering such typical philosophical travails such as “why are we even here?”, “what is my calling?”, and “will I get caught if I burn my boss’ house down?” we can often feel alone…as if we are weird, and no one else is having these feelings on a daily basis. And the fact of the matter is – you are weird. You’re strange – odd…actually if I was to be completely honest you are probably Norman Bates level mental…but other people don’t have to know that!
Here are a few top tips that I have gleaned over my tenure as a full-time sociopath, which are sure to help you fit in and walk among the muggles undetected:
1. Nod, and smile when people are talking (even if you don’t understand what is going on):
You can throw in a few “ahhh I see”s for good measure – even though you don’t see anything at all. Just keep nodding, and smiling…nodding and smiling…people will tell other people you are a good listener, and ironically subsequently a great conversationalist!
2. Say “oh my God” instead of an actual well-thought out reply:
There’s really no need for any other reply these days, not unless you want to have the possibility of saying something weird like your actual sick thoughts. Instead stick to the script…just alter the pitch and pronunciation of the “oh my God” to suit whichever situation you may find yourself in; shock, sadness, humor, joy – whatever, whenever – you’re golden.
3. Reply with “it’s fine, don’t worry about it” when someone wrongs you terribly:
Let’s get this straight – it’s definitely not fine, and you will carry around this bitterness for the rest of your life like a heavy noose around your neck…but never mind – it’s…fine. I mean you may need counselling and perhaps some form of radical electric shock treatment years from now – but until then…you’re fine…no really, you’re fine.
4. Whistle a tune you are literally making up as you go along:
People who go around whistling are so annoying right? Just wandering about totally in their own world, without a care as to how irritating they are to the entire population of the earth…urgh! But funnily enough by masquerading as one of these rogues you can don the guise of a normal-o! (Please note you will appear normal but will have no friends and your entire family will abandon you.)
5. And finally…always shake stranger’s hands aggressively whilst repeating “I’M NORMAL, I’M NORMAL, I’M NORMAL!” in a shrill tone.
This is the clincher and takes a little bit of practice – fortunately you can train for this in the comfort of your own home (toddlers, cats, and your bed-bound grandmother make for great training apparatus) – remember to truly believe yourself when you shriek “I’M NORMAL!”; after all if you don’t believe yourself, then why would other people?
~~~
And here marks the end of my knowledge on this subject – but if you enact these five simple steps you will be surely well on your way to a life of normality (and repressed feelings)…
…but anyway I’m going to leave this coffee shop now, I think my whistling is starting to anger the rest of the clientele. Good luck, and keep smiling my friends – it’ll be our little secret!
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I have been seeing nothing but bucket list posts recently, I don’t know what it is…or why…the guess that makes the most sense to me is that perhaps there is a bucket sale down at the bucket store…so everyone has bought a bunch of buckets for really cheap – so to get some use out of said buckets they are throwing them on a bucket list and filling them with hot air balloons, camel rides, tattoos, and whatever else they can squeeze into them.
This is all well and good naturally ~ I mean it isn’t for me to tell you how to use your buckets, but I feel that rather than a tick box list it is better to try to alter our behaviour in order to create the best version of yourself you can be…this all sounds a little Blade Runnerish…but what I mean to say is that if we try to alter certain negative behavioural patterns then the rest will fall into place – e.g. Be more adventurous>travel to Egypt to see the pyramids>ride a camel>get back home and high five your now proud Grandma>plan next trip. etc, etc, etc! SEE WHAT I’M SAYING?!
So in that spirit, here is a foolproof bucket list you can follow, in order to live a better life:
(Oh, and let me take the time to say that no buckets were harmed in the making of this blog post, thank you.)
#1: Be productive with your time, but don’t overlook the importance of fun.
Bill Gates ~ “I love doing crazy shit when I’m high as a fucking kite.”
Your life is finite, unfortunately – which is a fucking horrible, horrible thing to dwell on…I mean…who wants to think about that? The fact that someday a worm will be chomping on your dead and buried corpse, whilst a dog pees on your neglected gravestone – urgh, grim I know…that’s why we tend to try and block that stuff out.
But we should use it to power us into productivity, in order to make the most of what we have! It’s a small window of time after all! So if you are focusing on the what ifs? and not what you will ACTUALLY do – then you are wasting your time, point blank – so cut the shit, make a plan and stick to it.
DISCLAIMER: I’m all for lounging about in your undies eating pizza, that is obviously a great time – however you have to have balance if you want to get anywhere..unfortunately that’s not a viable career path (sobs).
With that said I implore you to have fun…fight against the pull to become yet another self-depreciating, bitter adult body. There’s far too many of those about already.
#2: Don’t waste your life spending it with those who don’t value you.
2Pac (and this kid): “I’m in a bucket, but I’m ridin’ it like it’s a Benz.”
So you’re being productive…good job so far! No doubt you are feeling an enormous sense of well-being and purposefulness…and you are making sure that you have fun with everything you do, so you don’t turn into a dull grey drone…but what’s this?! Certain members of your circle appear to be trying to cut you down with talk of you can’t do this and you shouldn’t do that – basically negativity. Who needs it? Not you – get fucking rid, hop in your bucket and drive off to a better less shit-cluttered life (see above for most stylish way to make your exit).
You want friends who push you on and help you get where you want to be, ones who want to be by your side – in turn you should attempt to be more like the friend you would want yourself…pay it forward, and all that.
#3: Take pride in your appearance – no, it’s not everything…but it’s not nothing either.
DJ Buck Toof: “I’m so pleased that I can pay off my student loan with this SWAG.”
We live in a heavily appearance driven world, this is just a fact – so there is no point denying it. Whilst I wish we lived in a fairy tale world, where people meet you in ten year old gravy stained sweatpants, and only see you for the gold-hearted angel you are – let’s just be honest and admit that appearance DOES matter. Especially when it comes to first impressions…and as you never know who you will meet at any given moment, well…yeah, exactly – you get my point.
#4: Treat yourself, you honestly deserve it.
Precious: “Is it wrong for someone to steal bread to feed her starving fam-GO, GO, GO!”
How shit can regular life be on a daily basis? Jesus Christ, if it isn’t the prick cutting in front of you in the supermarket, the boring conversations you are socially obligated to have with your neighbour, the price of everything going up at your favourite restaurant for no apparent reason – or…well, this could go on forever…but safe to say you have earned that little extra something-something – have a beer, have a cake, whatever, no big deal – you already know you are beautiful as it is.
This may seem like a small thing…because it is…but often it is the little things that matter in life! How amazing is it when someone brings doughnuts to work? Or offers special chocolate biscuits with your cuppa? That’s a sign people.
#5: Don’t be afraid to stand out from the crowd, better to be noteworthy and interesting, than bland and boring.
Buckethead: “People used to say I couldn’t wear a bucket on my head…fucking look at me now.”
Don’t live your life pretending to be someone you are not…after all, you don’t want to be on your death bed yammering on about missed opportunities, how you wish you had just picked up that KFC bucket and learned to play that fucking guitar – but because people said that would be stupid and borderline insane behaviour you opted not to. Come on. Be weird, you’re wonderful. Try not to pay so much attention to what other (negative) people say, the ones that count will be surrounding you asking for a piece of chicken and asking whether you do requests…
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Something happened today – it was a seemingly every day, boring moment…but it seemed HUGE in its meaning somehow, actually, that is a colossal understatement…this realization shook my world by the shoulders and screamed ”WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT IZZZZ THISSS?!”
You see, I was in my kindergarten class, when one of my kids started wiping their runny nose with a clean sleeve, naturally I intervened with a tissue, rather than watching them leave a crusty yellowish snail trail on their shirt (that would probably be rubbed off onto my jeans later, foresight ladies and gentlemen!);
“Big blow! Come on…wheeyyy, well done, feel better now? Good boy!”
WHOA. In that moment I was suddenly frozen still, slack jawed and wide eyed, as the whole world faded to a halt around me…where… had that came from? It was just a few short years ago that I was in that seat with snotty nostrils! Wasn’t it? Seriously what happened? When did this transition occur? I don’t remember my child-self tagging in the adult version…in fact I don’t feel any different right now, I feel like I am that same child with sky high dreams and a vibrant passion for life…it’s not my fault that a big fat adult shape grew over that boy, and suffocated him to death with arguments over education, debt and career prospects…
But I didn’t ask for this physical growth spurt. No one did…I am sure we would all like to stay in our protective child cocoon, where people blow your nose for you, hold your hand and tell you everything is alright. But the fact is, it isn’t going to be alright, no one gets out of this thing called life, alive.
It seems like you click your fingers and the next thing you know it’s a year later, five years later, ten years later, more! Indeed our wildest hopes and dreams may be limitless, but our time on this earth is most definitely limited, and the clock is ticking. I feel like…in fact, I know, that I will have a similar moment ten years from now, when I’m putting my own child to sleep…”Good night son, sleep well”…WHOA, when did all of this happen?! And yet again I’ll pause and question time, space and the meaning of it all…well until I tune into my new favourite TV drama of course.
You see life just gradually rolls on, it doesn’t pause to check if we are okay, it doesn’t stop to pick us up when we fall, it just keeps going. This seems difficult for our brains to comprehend, so more often than not we ignore our worries and concerns until they pop up like an ugly hemorrhoid to remind of us of our morality, and it may squawk something like, “WAAAHHH, YOU’RE OLD! GET A NICE CAR AND IT’S BASICALLY LIKE THE LAST TEN YEARS DIDN’T HAPPEN!” But I think we all know that isn’t how it works.
If it is then get in touch, I would be ready to make that investment tomorrow.*
So I urge you to live in the moment, follow your passions and do what makes you happy. After all, you may snap out of a daze and realize a huge chunk of your life has just passed you by. I heard a lecture by a South Korean writer recently, who described how children do what makes them content in the moment and don’t possess that very adult worry of how long it will last or who else will see it and give it value, instead they pour their heart into creating the most fantastically wonderful sandcastle they can make and then shrug with a smile as the tide washes it away.
If only we could possess this mentality, if only we were not so obsessed with celebrity and legacy…after all, in a way we are all that sandcastle…we may build ourselves up and layer ourselves with the best decorations, but ultimately the tide of time will wash every one of us away too.
So tell me, when it’s all over, will you shrug with a smile as you enjoyed the time you had to the fullest? Or will you fade out as a blank…regretting those years that are now lost into the ether forever, the choice is yours. But listen, if there is a God I am sure he would want you to enjoy the gift of life…and if there isn’t, don’t you want to enjoy your life because it is all you get?
So don’t let your childhood be “the happiest days of your life”…live so that every breath you take fits that bill.
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Here is a quick run down of the average person’s life…in the form of an A to Z…
A – ‘A’ is for alien; as we were all once part of this weird science fiction scene were we grew inside another person, took sustenance from all they ate until we were ready, and then thrust ourselves into this new and unknown galaxy…weird, right?
B – “B’ is for bare faced lies…as no one likes to admit that recently born babies look like red faced Popeyes that literally have no idea what the hell is going on, (probably because they don’t, obviously.)
C – ‘C’ is for cute…because, well, admittedly…most of us get there eventually, with our chubby bulldog cheeks and fat bootys (for some reason it’s okay for strangers to mention this – I mean, no wonder babies have low self-esteem…)
D – ‘D’ is for diahorrea…yeah, deal with it…because you know the kid isn’t going to.
E – ‘E’ is for expected, like “I expected it would be a good thing when he/she started talking – but now I have a never ending headache, and due to all the weird questions I get asked, I realize in fact I know nothing about this world at all!”
F – ‘F’ is for “I’ll flip you – heads – you have the birds and the bees talk, tails – I do it.”
G – ‘G’ is for grown-ups; and that moment as you are ‘growing up’ when you realize the entire concept isn’t even a real thing – everyone is just kinda wandering around doing things, and going places – hoping it will all work out in the end…
H – ‘H’ is for “how cool would it be if, rather than have to decide what we want to do, a random long lost wealthy Uncle came out of nowhere and gave me a massive inheritance, so all I had to do was hang out with friends and eat things for the rest of my days!?”
I – ‘I’ is for “I actually have to work? Fuck, this is awful. I miss childhood already.”
J – ‘J’ is for “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST?! I HAVE TO PAY HOW MUCH IN TAXES?! CAN I JUST OPT OUT OF ALL THE STUFF THE TAX MONEY PROVIDES?!”
K – ‘K’ is for “Kids are the last thing on my mind – I want to get my career on the right path first…”
L – ‘L’ is for “look everyone – we’re pregnant – I couldn’t be happier, wooooo!” (Cries inside.)
M – ‘M’ is for “maybe if I just pretend I have everything under control people will believe me…okay…I’ll join a yoga class…and a…book club…that’s what real grown-ups do, right?
N – ‘N’ is for “never in a million years did I think I would go jogging and basically cut out all unhealthy food…apparently I’ll die twenty years earlier if I don’t…but…err…cake…just one slice won’t change anything…”
O – ‘O’ is for “Oh, God! Why are you so cruel? I thought we agreed I would be the hip and trendy parent? But apparently using the words ‘hip and trendy’ in the first place makes me unfathomably embarrassing to my kids…what has happened to me?! Is this punishment for me wearing Crocs that one summer?”
P – ‘P’ is for “Phew, I can’t wait till they leave home – they have taken everything I once had, my money, my youth, my passions, they’ve left me a hollow burnt out husk. Maybe…just maybe…I can return to my early 20s once they’re gone…”
Q – ‘Q’ is for “question – how old do I have to be before I get one of those cool mobility scooters? No…I don’t need one…I just want one…fine, I’ll come back in ten years…”
R – ‘R’ is for railing…as eventually you find yourself needing to use that railing on the stairs…and forcing out an “AHH-FF” with every step…“AHH-FF”, “AHH-FF”, “AHH-FF”…”should have taken the elevator.”
S – ‘S’ is for spending time with your Grandchildren – and delighting in being loved for spoiling them, aka annoying their parents by giving them everything you know they’re not allowed ordinarily!
T – ‘T’ is for “too many daytime dramas, not enough time!”
U – ‘U’ is for understand “I don’t understand the kids of today…and I don’t fucking want to!”
V – ‘V’ is for Viagra…or “very limp penis.” Your choice.
W – ‘W’ is for “well at least I can get away with saying just about whatever I like…”
X – ‘X’ is for xylophone…like, “why does it feel like some horrible bastard is playing the xylophone all over my body…but instead of little sticks they are playing it with baseball bats? Argh! My back…Argh! My knees…Argh! The inside of my eyeball itches…God, I am so over this life.”
Y – ‘Y’ is for, “YOU YOUNG WHIPPER SNAPPERS! I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MY DAY SO I AM GOING TO TAKE STRANGE JOY IN RUINING YOURS, GIMMME THAT BALL! I’LL TRADE YOU THIS FOR A VIAL OF YOUR YOUTHFUL BLOOD! COME ON HAND IT OVER! I NEED IT MORE THAN YOU! I’M DYYYYYYING!”
Z – ‘Z’ is for zwieback…which is (apparently) a slice of sweet raised bread that is baked until it is hard and crispy…okay fine, I didn’t have anything for ‘Z’…but hopefully your life was, errr, sweet…and not too hard.
Scratch that, that’s shit…instead hopefully you are riding a flying zebra in the afterlife…wow, yeah – that sounds good, can’t wait for that one actually…that’s a great way to end things!
Of course I am just joking around…there is much more to life than this…but life is short; so get out there, and fill your pages with love, happiness and terrific memories…I mean, it’s not like you get a re-write!
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We’ve all heard about the Caitlyn Jenner situation…and if you haven’t then I can only assume you are deaf, dumb and blind, live under a rock, and are from a completely different planet altogether…
If that applies to you then I’m a little jealous about the space travel thing – but putting that aside, I’m sure the rest of us able-bodied earthlings will agree we have been well and truly flooded with the news story for the past week or so. It’s been everywhere. EVERYWHERE!
But listen, I’m certainly not looking to get into a debate about transvestites, transgenders, or any moral points regarding such a transition (who the fuck gives a shit about a stranger’s personal fucking decision?) – but what I am looking to open up is a discussion about bravery. What is bravery, and how does it differ from person to person?
You see ever since this story broke there have been a whole host of people bringing up stuff that they feel takes real bravery, and then comparing it with the life of Caitlyn Jenner. So you know there have been photos thrown up of war veterans, soldiers…historical figures, pioneers of social change…etc, etc – and then a few words about how their actions takes true courage and bravery, and in turn Caitlyn’s is basically bullshit.
I find this a little silly, because why are we suddenly turning this into a competition? Why do we have to disgrace one, in order to praise the other? You see, the truth is bravery comes in all shapes and sizes…and just like everyone, I have my own definition of true courage…
True courage to me can be witnessed every day, with your average everyday folks…true courage is warming up that chicken the next day for lunch when you know it may give you a funny stomach…true courage is sitting through Braveheart and not being in tears when the “FREEEEDOMMM!” bit comes on…true courage is that person you see singing and dancing in public with their earphones in…true courage is when someone with my complexion goes out in the searing sun with lotion any lower than factor 50…true courage is going outside when you called in “sick” for work! And so on, and so on!
But fortunately this is just my opinion, so I won’t be forcing it as a rigid definition of bravery onto other people. I invite others to adopt the same approach…after all, it’s a lot less dickheadish. Think about it, we don’t do that for other definitions because they are so clearly subjective, rather than objective, that’s why you don’t really hear things like this; “ohhh you think that fried chicken is delicious?! Pftttt…that’s not delicious at all, this pizza is truly delicious” ERRRR, OKAY. “hahaha,you think you are truly happy with your new husband?! That’s not happiness, look at me in this photo – that’s true happiness, look at that smile!” ERRRR, YEAH OKAY. “Ahhh you think you are having fun at this party? You’re not having fun in the slightest, look at me I’m dancing on the table and waving my junk around.” PLEASE STOP, I – “You seriously think you’re weird?! That’s not being weird – this is weird…watch me lick this lamppost, kiss that stranger’s dog – and do a nude handstand in front of that police officer!”
Just consider it – not everything has to be compared and contrasted, not everything has to be in place to divide another. Live, and let live, yeah?…cheers in advance my friend – you brave bastard you!
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The world is filled with labels and I must say I find it pretty annoying. There’s just so many of them; white, black, gay, straight, fat, thin…you name it, there’s a label that goes alongside it. But of all of the man-made labels that exist in this god-forsaken world of ours one stands out that grates on me the most…I loathe it beyond measure…as it actually makes me a totally different person…like Anakin Skywalker levels of demented rage…
And that label is…the label on shirts.
I just can’t handle them, I just can’t! They itch, and itch, and itch – just completely torment me with an unrelenting dark energy, which is intent on destroying my day. It’s not even like a friendly tickle – it’s like a barrage of angered scorpions continually being poured down your back after being told you just insulted their mother. Pssst…go on…GETTTHIMMM! ATTTAAAACK!
So as a result you spend your time, often in public – flailing around like a possessed kite, whipping and turning, wriggling and writhing – trying to free yourself from the constant irritation – but nothing helps…no matter how inventive you get…
Even bears have trouble with labels on their fur coats. To see this majestic animal in such discomfort brings tears to my eyes.
But fear not my brothers, and sisters; I bring a message of hope to all animals of this earth, and indeed of this entire universe – you don’t need those labels…in fact they are of barely any value in themselves…and we can cut them out completely.
In doing so we can be rid of those wretched things which only serve to bring mankind down, and darken our days. My usual weapon of choice is kitchen scissors – they are robust, and strong enough – and the sliiiiiice sound gives me a warm sense of satisfaction as it rips through the tag with ease. Two cuts, and that’s it – gone forever.
And as I see it sitting there, I think what was the point? Just in place to create friction…and for what? To tell me of how much it is worth, where it’s from, or the size? WHOOOOOCAAAARES?!
Hogan…HOGAN! I said kitchen scissors! KITCHEN SCISSORS, NOT…ahhh never mind…do your thing, man.
So free yourself by either using my advice, or Hulk Hogan’s…both are pretty effective: life without labels…bliss.
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To long-time readers it won’t be a surprise to hear me say that I have a rather…unorthodox approach to fitness. That is…only if I truly have to and/or are made to cry in a corner because of constantly being called a big lumbering hippo. Basically whenever I feel humongously gross enough that the townsfolk may be at my door any second with flaming torches and pitchforks – that’s when I renew my gym membership.
Every single time is an uphill climb – which is ironic I guess, as I never use that setting on the treadmill. Instead I just read up on some exercises that I will probably never do, look at diet plans I definitely won’t stick with, and imagine the figure I will possess once all of my hard work is realised…an adonis…a walking God amongst mere mortals.
Form an orderly queue, no shoving – no cutting in…
Some of my friends back home are really into it. They have all of the supplements, pills, lotions, and potions (alright, I’m embarrassing myself with my lack of knowledge here – but you know what I mean) – basically it isn’t a game to them, it’s some serious stuff. And no investment is thought of as too pricy, no addition unworthwhile…
I feel the same way about food so can totally empathise with their ardent dedicated stance…for me it’s like – “do you really want extra bacon, and cheese on this?” Yes, of course – don’t bother me with such stupid questions. “But John…it’s ice cream you shouldn-”
JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN!
But with these things you can often go overboard, and my friends have told me upon numerous occasions this has indeed happened…you really have to get the balance right with some of these pre-workout formulas it seems…obviously they help a lot or there wouldn’t be a market for them – but go too mad and you will be running around in circles for three days chasing a mirage of Arnold Schwarzenegger…
That’s due to the various chemicals you’ll find on the list of ingredients…which is basically a chunk of text only a scientist can make much sense of – all the (soon to be ripped) user needs to know is that it will get you well and truly pumped up! But wait, on the other end of the spectrum you have me, the struggling artist with my big cup of coffee..thinking I’m all that, until one of my fitness freak friends notifies me that some of those products out there have enough caffeine for 20 cups of coffee!
HOLY RAMBO BALLS THAT’S A LOTTA CAFFEINE!
As we all know, too much caffeine can lead to heart issues, and consequently difficulty with sleeping…so unsurprisingly my more fool-hardy (nice way of saying moronic) friends who well and truly over-dosed spent the subsequent nights staring at the ceiling shaking with excitement, or in one case lifting weights at the gym for four hours straight…only to be rudely interrupted by a phone call from a confused girlfriend asking what he was doing, and inquiring why he wasn’t home for dinner yet?! Well in his own words it was like he was high in a nightclub…and the weights room was his own private rave…there was no stopping him…
“Micky…MICKY! YOU DROPPED YOUR DUMBBELL MICKY!”
Anyway, I’m off for a pizza – but if fitness is your thang you can head over to etbfit.com and browse their selection…who knows, maybe it’ll be the difference between being a couch potato fitness fail connoisseur (me), and something more…just make sure you get the balance right unlike my pals!
#ETBFitFail!
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I don’t know what it is…but I can’t help it – it’s hard to resist…and the easy access makes it all the more simple – and therefore all the more difficult to avoid…
I’m talking about comparisons. What did you think I was talking about? Anyway….yeah, it’s like an addiction of sorts – fuelled by the little cartoonish angel, and devil that sit on either side of my slouched shoulders…neither of them are helpful if I’m honest…
Devil: hehehe! Look John, LOOOOK! Check out his wikipedia…by 21 he was doing comedy shows around the country, what are you doing, huh? Huh? hehehe…just quit now – and eat some cake.
Angel: Oh, don’t listen to him! Look! Look! Check out his story…he was addicted to heroin until his late 20s, you’re doing great…in comparison…sort of…but if you don’t make it – then…well yeah…heroin?
Thanks guys, but kindly fuck off – will you?!
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As this year draws to a close, I find myself musing on all that has happened up till now – and pondering on what may come my way in the future…the funny thing is, things never turn out the way you expect – which is what makes life so interesting! Or scary depending on how you look at things…
I could have taken a lot of different pathways already, and by not following certain ones it has in turn led me on to other things – for better, or for worse!
Like when I was seventeen, or eighteen…or something, I found myself on the pathway to becoming an accountant. Yeah, exactly…ME…an accountant?! It was complete madness, as I have never been any good at maths; actually even now I find myself counting on my fingers out of force of habit! I recall in school I was often lucky to even get a C grade…that was probably because it didn’t engage, or excite me as a subject – instead I did a lot of looking out of the window, and day-dreaming, which for some reason didn’t pay dividends when it came to my exams. In English it did…which may be unsurprising, but more on that later…
But you see I wasn’t on the accountancy pathway by chance. I had purposefully plonked myself there, albeit with a somewhat faulty compass. I had my (first) girlfriend, who I loved a horrendous amount…you know, the horrible first love where you would tear your eyes out, and fry them for dinner should it ever be requested. It’s manic, and a total roller-coaster – it has ups, and downs, makes you physically sick, and leaves you full of regret afterwards. That’s why I only like the bumper cars at theme parks. Wait that sounds like a weird metaphor…
Anyway, as I was in love, like true Disney style love – and clearly this young lady was the one with which I would spend the rest of my days, and nights with – it would be necessary that I provide for my to-be wife, and our inevitable swarm of children. It sounds farcical, and ridiculous now – but at the time I was very serious about all of this. So I found an accountancy training programme with Proctor & Gamble, in which they would pay for me to do a finance degree (OH MY GOD CAN YOU IMAGINE MAN?!), whilst also earning a good salary. Sure, I would hate my working life from start to finish, and would probably eagerly await death to put an end to the constant Matrix style stream of numbers, as every day I would return from my toil to my resentful wife, and the children who hate me because I am never there – because I am at a job I don’t even like, to get things I don’t even want…but still, at least I would have money. Which is all that is really important, right? …wait, RIGHT?!
So I told my plan to one of my best friends…who in turn told me I was a fool, and reminded me in no uncertain terms that this was a silly choice to make. I tried in vain to create circumstances in which my life in accountancy would be one of excitement, and thrill…
But he came back in amazing style, bombarding me with text, after text, after text, of cruel accountancy jokes – of which most centered on the premise of how boring that career path would potentially be for me, a person with no interest in mathematics whatsoever. I wasn’t convinced, or at least I told myself I wasn’t. That is until my girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue, (leaving me utterly destroyed may I add) and I came to a new clearing in which another pathway emerged…after the soul-blackening anguish that was getting over her, of course. But after that I saw the pathways more clearly – filled with real dreams, and hopes – not made up ones that were only fueled by money, and things.
So sure I headed on with my heart as my guide, rather than my head – but I am glad I did. Even if my Mother does often hark back to those times whenever I am hard up; whether it be facing rejections, unemployment, or general urghhhhhnessss frustrations – all things that will come to writers/English graduates. She likes to reminisce, and remind me that I could be driving a “flash sports car”, and living in a “classy apartment” now, like the guys in American Psycho. Well, nerr. It’s not me.
Instead here I am, suddenly at a spaghetti junction of pathways, which stretch out, and wind in all different directions. And despite all the madness…I am happy, and I am hopeful. 2015. I am pretty much blind to what you may have to offer along the road, but I am walking with you all the same.
John Lee Taggart 