The Meaning of Life (Poem)

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We walk on that yellow brick road…

Hoping for something greater to show us our soul.

We try, and dig deep – but in thoughts we are lost…

the who, what, when…it’s true; ignorance is our cross.

There is no manual, no how to guide –

Just life’s rich tapestry…the roller-coaster ride. 

“NO! I AM THE WIZARD, THE WIZARD OF OZ!”

Oh.

“KNEEL BEFORE ME IF YOU DESIRE APPLAUSE!”

Okay.

“Only I can show you how to live – only I can tell you what you need to give! To possess a life that truly matters, you must be selfish – and help those in tatters! Love those closest, and the strangers too! Always work TOO hard – and find time for play too! Invest, and splurge – be safe, and dangerous! Live every second, and take some days off!”

Huh?

“Oh, you’re confused – then welcome to life! Don’t try, and understand…just live it, and love it…till the day that you die.” 

Yeah, well that’s all well, and good – but what about global warming, and all of that stuff? The sad polar bears, and my bills…man, it’s tough. What about pensions, and purpose? What about oil, and who is the president?  What about if I’ll have kids, or how I will afford rent? What about keeping in trend, you know – fashion, and stuff – what about following my passion, but helping those sleeping rough…what about expressing my view –

“STOP! I’ve heard enough! FUCK, YOU!

You live life by looking in front,

examining everything…from left to right…

all the while, missing out…on the truly beautiful sight.”

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I WON THE LOTTERY

So New York state lottery officials say that the first-prize winning ticket for this Tuesday’s $326 million Mega Millions jackpot was sold at an upstate New York gas station. But, no one has come forward yet to claim the huge jackpot!  Seriously what is going on…what is this person up to which is more important? There must be something really good on the television…maybe they are just getting into Breaking Bad, and can’t tear themselves away. Maybe they are seeing how long they can last without electronics, and worst luck it was right when they were due this GARGANTUAN windfall.

I mean there are many possibilities…

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But I honestly think if I did, I may literally shit my pants with excitement. Sure, I could buy a thousand more pairs once I cashed the thing in, so no big deal…but the immediate moment after realising I have won would be a very painful, and embarrassing situation for me. I’d have to waddle around with this mess in my trousers – maybe that would lead to me walking awkwardly…kinda like a penguin, but not cute…

And as I walk, and it sloshes around – it starts chafing…even when I am a millionaire the rash is still there, and rubs against my expensive trousers I just bought…but I have to wear them, because I don’t want to be judged by all those fucks at the golf club I was told I needed to join – so it’s rubbing, and rubbing, and the rash becomes raw, and bloody – I need more trousers, but it’s okay I have the money – but they STILL chafe! And then that becomes infected, and then they tell me I have to get them amputated, “you shouldn’t have shit yourself” the Doctor says – and then the surgery for bionic legs costs about $300 million dollars – but I miss having legs, because I am sick of people calling me names like Professor X…so I pay them the money, and I am back to my normal life, with all of the normal people, they used to like me – but I thought it would be funny to stick my middle finger out of the Bentley as I drove away from my hometown.

Could have just been nice about it, but I blew it, because I shit myself, and everyone knows as it was in the local paper.

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Phew…you know what…the lottery sounds like a lotta’ work. I think I’ll pass. 

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Meet my Monkey!

I have literally JUST got this through! And as promised I am IMMEDIATELY sharing it with you all! (I hope that is allowed…oopsies!)

Anyway, I am more than proud to welcome Morgan the Monkey…so here is a brief overview; Morgan is a spacecraft test pilot who finds himself stranded on the moon after crash landing – he is taken in by the alien population who live there, and quickly becomes an exciting (if not a little mischeivous) part of their community!

I believe we are swaying towards the one on the right – has the balance of cheeky, and totally confused – don’t you think?

Monkey (Rough Sketch)One little, ickle problem though…he wants me to re-write the episodes I have submitted – says they need to build up to a big something, rather than “funny, funny, funny!” He says he isn’t worried, but now I am! I hope I can deliver…it’s amazing to see something like this actually come to life, as I said before I am/was somewhat frustrated with the pace things were moving (crippled snail clambering uphill speed) but now they are moving ever so slightly, I am getting that warm tingly feeling.

Maybe it’s just trapped gas. I hope not.

Anyway, let me know what you think my friends!

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Inter-phew

Perhaps you remember me blabbing* on about the possibility of a comic strip, based on Storytime with John? You see I’d met with a Korean publishing company that had came up with the idea…each episode would be a typical tale of a foreigner encountering cultural differences and weirdness….well…about that…it’s not happening – at least for the time-being. 

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A little infuriating as I had written out over twenty episodes already…and just had to sit there and take it, as they were effectively flushed down the toilet. I say “a little infuriating”, but I really mean “gut wrenchingly, eyes-popping out, crazed beast rage”. 

Instead, I was asked to come up with some ideas for a brand new comic…“I want a crazy Spongebob – anything goes world!” were the words he used, as he sent me on my way and closed the door. Now I had no idea what that meant, but I gave it a shot all the same! I wanted it to be a universally loved creation – It seems that Spongebob is one of those figures who people either adore, or despise – like a Justin Bieber, but in cartoon form, living in a pineapple, under the sea…okay, so there is only a vague similarity…they both wear pants, let’s leave it there.

But I wanted my creation to be love-able in every which way! Any piece of writing I do, anything I construct – I never want anyone to say “I fucking HATE this!” Maybe they end up hating it…but that is another story! So I came up with four separate stories that I would offer to him, so he could pick the one he liked most (or hated the least!) I am sure they will sound so dreadful when I explain them – BUT THEY ARE MY BABIES SO DON’T SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT MY BABIES!

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The first one was about a monkey test pilot called Morgan, who crash lands on the moon, and is then taken in by the alien population who live there…the second was about a futuristic world in which dolphins now rule on the land, the third was about a Dream School where every monster goes to train to be in our dreams or nightmares, and the fourth was based around a microcosm empire living under a kid’s messy bed. Phew

Just picture me, sat in a CEO’s office, suited up, and sweating – rambling my explanations, and descriptions in the same manner as I have just spoken them to you…checking his reaction, paying attention to his furrowed brow, and his unflinching stare. I sounded STUPID. This had all seemed like a good idea, I had sat and constructed these creatures, their worlds, decided what foods they loved, and ones they hated – I was a special guest in each of their lives…but I still couldn’t make them sound even vaguely interesting when trying to explain aloud.

“So that’s…those…those are the ideas I had. Sorry, I was…”

“I like one, and four – so let’s go with those. Everyone likes a monkey, we can get that set up late this year – the bed monsters…February 2015?” 

He made some calls, as I sat there trying to look professional, and not like someone had whispered into my ear “psssst, you have won the lottery, but you can only collect it if you keep a straight face!” I was ecstatic. I mean…it was craziness. Is this what the adult world is? Just dressing up in suits, and talking about cartoons? Apparently so.

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Anyway, due to have some meetings soon to take things forward. He has flown to Hollywood for some work, when he told me my automatic reaction was “ooooooohhh la-la!” which I honestly wish I could retract, but never mind, what’s done is done. This is slowing things down though, but he said he will send me some early sketches the artist has drawn up, sometime soon. When I get them, you get them! 

In other news, I am heading back to the UK for Christmas (WOOOOO! FIRST TIME IN THREE YEARS!) and I have accepted an afternoon job starting January, at an English academy close to Gangnam, Seoul – reason being I can’t rely entirely on Mr. Hollywood, and have to pay those bills! Unless…anyone wants to be my mysterious benefactor? I do have Great Expectations after all!

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Oh, and thanks to writerinsoul for reminding me to update you all on this!*

Novel-ty Writing

So I have an announcement to make…I’m going to take part in “National Novel Writing Month” otherwise known as “nanowrimo“.  If you are not familiar with this event, then in short – it is an annual writing project which takes place in November, where budding writers attempt to create a 50,000 word novel. Phew…that’s quite daunting, don’t you think?

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Now I have never, EVER, finished a novel…I have started a bunch, I probably have drawers full of old papers, character bios, and even covers I had sketched (because I was so sure it was all going to work out!) Each and every time I have given up, gotten bored, or forgotten about it altogether. 

A few of you lovely people have suggested I do more extensive writing, which is nice of you to say so – it’s certainly a plan of mine…but I am my own worst enemy when it comes to that kind of thing…I put it on the back-burner, go eat something, go play something, take up knitting…anything to avoid dealing with the task at hand! BUT NO MORE I TELLZ YA! NO, NO!

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With your support (obviously can’t do this by myself!) I think I will be able to do this – I have a vague idea of the story line…and I think it should be both entertaining, and hopefully, funny!

Anyone else taking part in the project? 

Chat with Frenchy

Hello there, my friends! Something a little different for you today…you see, the other day a friend of mine, Frenchy*, kindly made me this banner for the site’s Facebook page! Look at it! Nice, eh?

Facebook Banner

* Frenchy is the creator of The Standard, which is a music competition for which I am a recurring judge. He’s also a graphic artist, musician, and all around good-guy.  

Anyway, I thought it would be nice to call him up to say thank you! It also gave him the chance to talk about his business, and projects…and a chance for myself to tell some stories using a different medium! Hope you enjoy it, we had a lot of fun catching up…

Head over to facebook.com/storytimewithjohn – to see that beautiful cover photo in its place! Thanks again, Frenchy – you’re a gem!

“All Grown Up.”

I hate the expression “grown-up.”  There’s just something about it that is so depressingly final. I don’t mean to say that I want to live a completely infantalized  life*, I am merely trying to suggest that the idea of being a “grown up” is a lazy slump…in fact it is more than that, I would suggest it is a totally flawed concept altogether.

(Please note: I lied there…I would love to be a child forever, unfortunately it just isn’t biologically possible – as soon as such a procedure is available I will set up a Kickstarter campaign, and I expect your full support.)

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Continue reading ““All Grown Up.””

Back to the future…

I have just been looking through old photos on my phone, having a little clear out of memes and stupid pictures I seem to accrue for some reason – when I stumbled across this…

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Let me explain. It’s a screenshot of a message that I got from a kindergarten student of mine after he graduated and moved to a different school for first grade. His name is Aden, he was from my first class in Korea: Jupiter Class. To say I love those kids is a ginormous understatement – I almost put loved, but that would imply their impression is no longer felt – which it truly is, they were my best friends, and I cared for them as if they were my own children – I think that is what makes me feel like I am not a teacher at heart, I get too emotionally invested.

(Here’s a pic of us in our prime – from left to right – Katrina, Jackie, Aden, Anant, Zeno, Victoria, Sunny, JJ, Danny)

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When it came to them leaving me surprisingly there were not any tears, in fact I was probably the closest – the reason being that I had told them that it wasn’t a big deal, we would see each other again – perhaps sometime soon, perhaps in twenty years – but I made it clear that this wasn’t the end of our story together. We began to talk in hypotheticals, dreaming of the future that could be…“well I am going to have a dougnut shop, so we can all meet up there!” Zeno announced boldly – sounded good to me – and he went on to promise unlimited free doughnuts to every single one of us! Perfect! Katrina burst in asking if it was alright for her to bring her husband along…after some deliberation we agreed we’d allow it. “We can spend the day at my museum!” said Danny, “it’s going to be a shark museum…and glass museum…and poop museum…all together in one!” Well, this was shaping up to be quite a jam-packed little reunion, I’m sure you’d agree, I was already excited!

We spent the rest of our final class laughing and joking, as per usual – it was the perfect end to a perfect time together.

Like this story? Then why not like the Facebook page?http://www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE!

Question-time with John!

Hello there friends of the WordPress world! So just yesterday I asked for questions from you guys for this Q&A post, and you well and truly delivered!

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Here are 25 of the best questions (in no particular order); the variation says a lot about how weird and/or wonderful you lot are! ~ oh, and sorry if you didn’t make the cut…I had to stop somewhere… ~I still love you, you know that right? RIGHT?! Please don’t leave me…

Continue reading “Question-time with John!”

The Talking Dead

So for some bizarre reason, two out of three hotels in Italy decided that my sister and I didn’t require two single beds, and that a double would suffice. Perhaps they thought we were a young couple – and she was my 16 year old wife (hmmm…yeah, I doubt that one), or perhaps they didn’t think it was a big deal, or more likely just didn’t give a shit either way so long as I paid them upfront, which I stupidly had. But anyway…with all that said, it actually isn’t such a big deal. Unless you are a massive weirdo with all kinds of strange urges and psychological problems, then lying in a bed and going to sleep with your sibling should be pretty much a carefree scenario.

Naturally, I don’t do carefree scenarios though…so that isn’t actually how this story played out…if only, of only…

Continue reading “The Talking Dead”

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