NEWS: Everything Fun KILLS You.

Despite many attempting to campaign against the overwhelming facts – it has now been confirmed in no uncertain terms that everything that is fun does indeed kill you. As a direct result of these new findings bacon dispensers (like the one below) will be removed and destroyed, and there are plans in place to also make doughnuts and other sugary goods illegal.

Bacon Machine GIF

In response to this new development doctors are now suggesting something which most would consider to be controversial; that you end your life as soon as possible, as there really is nothing to live for anymore…

One of these left-wing doctors is Dr. Madeup, and he had this to say:

“The thing is, the data is there for all to see: so if you wish to ignore it and carry on living then that is your personal decision…I am simply suggesting to my patients and the rest of the world alike that their quality of life will invariably be greatly  affected when you take away such things as alcohol, drugs, laziness and bacon…which despite being the most fun things available in the universe – are all things which can kill, or at the very least make you very very dead.”

People have fought back against this model of thinking, deeming it to be limiting and close-minded…but none can really discount the actual reality; that there is a moving scale between ‘fun’ and ‘health’ – which consequently means the more healthy a thing is, the less fun it is: and vice-versa. Take intensive exercise for an example; it makes you feel physically sick and often like dying would be a more preferable alternative…but is reportedly good for you. And yet on the other hand a bacon triple cheeseburger with extra cheese, extra bacon, and extra anything your heart desires – is reportedly bad for you…despite feeling like a warm and loving hug in a bun. It’s no wonder then that so many people are confused due to this huge discrepancy…  

Bacon Banana GIF

I interviewed somewhere between 0 and 1,000,000 people in the hope of gauging public opinion on this subject, and every single one of them seemed to feel the same way, namely; let down, disappointed and in some cases morbidly depressed at the horrific state of the world’s future.

One person in particular still echoes in my head:

“It’s crazy, you know? I used to think bacon was truly good for me – I mean it made me feel great: like a supportive spouse but…food, you know? So I had it on everything; bread, pasta, pizza, cereal, erm…my windowsill. So to hear so suddenly that it is unhealthy and a leading cause of cancer – well, I just feel betrayed by scientists. They led us to believe it was pretty much a salad…”

 What will happen next is unclear, but leading well-respected authorities including Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald, and The Burger King are all united in their stances – that we are now entering a post-apocalyptic era…but not exciting like The Hunger Games or Mad Max – and there seems to be nothing we can do about it…

Please Note: It has also been suggested by a few radical scientists that life itself kills and that we will all inevitably die one day; but these rumours have been widely discredited by most skeptics.

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What Food Cravings REALLY Mean…

This is a tale of woe, a tale of misery…you may even shed a tear…

I mean I just ate a burger so I’m quite content – but what about you?

If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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GET THE DADBOD!

Some words of advice from my Eastern European(?!) alter-ego…not sure where he came from but whatever – DADBOD! GET ON IT!

I’m silly sometimes, sorry. Okay…all the time…

If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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The Dadbod Myth

Okay internet, we have to talk…and I think you know why…

The fabled “Dadbod” thing that seems to be doing the rounds recently…apparently it’s the new hot thing? That every woman cannot resist? Is…this…like, are you actually for real though? You mean to say that suddenly those Grecian demi-god types, those sculpted walking statues, those action figurine looking fellas… are now of absolutely no value or merit whatsoever? I mean…huh?!

Bothering GIF

I have seen a lot of commentary about Leonardo DiCaprio, and many articles appear to use him as a figurehead for the Dadbod movement…as if to say;

“Look! Leonardo DiCaprio is slightly overweight, and has a number of girlfriends! This Dadbod thing must be true!” 

Which would make sense, if it didn’t make absolutely no sense. It’s almost like people are looking past the fact that he is a multi-millionaire…who also just happens to be LEONARDO DI-FUCKING-CAPRIO! I mean come on! Get real for God’s sake.

The truth of the matter is that it’s an attempt by the media to square up the conversation of body-weight acceptance between genders. A few years ago the “big is beautiful” thing was rolled out for females, and it really caught on – and I can see why! Suddenly women didn’t have to feel marginalised or devalued just because they were not Hollywood slim…this led to many men nodding in agreement, claiming they actually prefer real women, and blah blah blah.

Now that’s all well and good, so please don’t think I’m knocking it.

But then along comes the male version of “big is beautiful” – the Dadbod

Dadbod GIF

…and well, simply put – I’m not buying it! I would argue males have NEVER had the same kind of pressure based around physical beauty that women have – so this little trend is almost like someone saying; “hey! I took off the shackles – run free!” when the individual wasn’t even chained up in the first place. It just makes no sense…sure men would love to look like Ryan GoslingHugh Jackman…or (PICK ANY GLORIOUS CHISELLED ADONIS OF YOUR CHOICE), but if we are not gym going types we just shrug our shoulders and accept our lot; aka pick up the remote and some sort of cheesy snack…

Reason being we don’t get the same body shaming tactics that I feel females have historically received – that’s why it’s hilarious to hear that the Dadbod thing is “in!” You mean to say that I now have permission to eat eight slices of pizza, and drink a few pints of beer whenever I want? And that I am allowed to have that inevitable extra bit of weight as a result?

THANK YOU SO MUCH, I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO GIVE ME THE GO AHEAD! I HAD BEEN STARVING MYSELF, AND HAD BEEN STONE-COLD SOBER! BUT NOW…PHEW…WHAT A WEIGHT THAT HAS BEEN LIFTED! AND I FEEL HOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOLD ME I AM NOW HOT. WOOOO!

Homer Dadbod GIF

 Ridiculous. Let’s live in the real world. 

Perhaps I’m wrong though…well, I’m not for sure – but what do you think?

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The Rebellion of the Stomach

This is a bit of an over-share, I know that for certain…but I am hoping someone can shine some light on what is so far a very dark day…

So after an innocent child mistook my man boobs for actual woman’s boobs sometime last week (to my absolute horror), I decided that perhaps I should clean myself up a bit. You know, look at my diet and regime to see what can be altered…so that people can hopefully stop asking me if I’ve had a sex change. That’s all I ask really, it’s not much is it? 

Pretty Please GIF

Well I saw that lunch and dinner (usually…) aren’t too much of a problem as I go for traditional style food…high in salt sure, but mainly balanced and full of vegetables. So instead it was breakfast where I was lacking, and making poor choices. Well not poor choices, fucking fantastically delicious choices – but you know what I mean. Not good for the dear old belly – although at the time they make the cuddly chap very happy indeed.

Oh, interesting side note – if I latch my belt tighter by one extra hole then it gives the appearance of a flatter stomach. Thought I would share that, because right now the discovery is changing my life. I am having my cake, and beating it! (Beating the bulge that is.)

Anyway, yeah – back to the horrendous diet thing. So I bought a load of fruits and vegetables, which as we all know are way more fun to buy than disgusting tasting things like pizza, burgers, and chips. I mean, ewww! Cheese? Grease? Fatty goodness? Gimme a break…some people are so selfish. They only like things that are like…delicious…in an obvious in your face kind of way. They have such lazy tastebuds. Myself however, I prefer things like fruit, and vegetables…because you really have to discover the tastes, and also (more often than not) lie to yourself and pretend it tastes great – which takes great dedication and character.

Harry Liar GIF

NO SERIOUSLY HARRY! That’s what real functioning adults do, and if you don’t do the same then you are a total loser and deserve to be thrown into a deep fat fryer – your natural habitat…

…ahh Harry man, I can’t stay mad at you – you were right.  This new fruit and vegetables for breakfast thing is ruining my life, and I am only like two days into it. Today I’ve had three poops and it’s not even 3pm yet. I mean…that’s simply not normal is it? When you have a pet rabbit it’s like fair-dos but humans have other things to do than sit on the pot 24-7. Or at least so I thought. 

Is this how all of the health nuts live? All the people that shame others into eating “right” in order to live forever (or whatever the claim is) – is this how their day looks? Just constant pooing? Is it like a fetish thing? Do they do it intentionally, or is this just a terrible yet unavoidable side effect?

Or am I a broken human, and this shouldn’t be happening? Perhaps I’m faulty? Maybe I should just have a pizza, and make everything okay again? Yeah…yeah? 

Oui GIF

ALRIGHT I’M HITTING THE RESET BUTTON! BACK TO PARADISE I GO, AWOOOOOOO, SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE SUCKAS!

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Mc Donald’s Head.

I’ve noticed something since I started travelling the world, and it has only been strengthened during my time writing this blog, and putting together my stories! 

Humour is something that brings people together – it’s a very HUMAN experience…and isn’t limited by race, culture, or whatever else!

l meet new people when travelling from all over the world, and what is the first thing we do? Usually make each other laugh! A stupid joke…a silly observation, a ridiculous suggestion…whatever it is. It’s something we can all share in, and is a terrific way to bond – and become new best buds for life.

Sponge BFF GIF

It also isn’t limited by language – my new kindergarten class can barely say “hello, how are you?” never mind anything more complex – but they have already came up with ways to make jokes, and get laughs! (at my expense!) 

“Teacher teacher! You like a McDonald?”

“Erm. Yes I do – of course! Why?” 

“Uhh-uhhh!” 

(Points frantically in the general direction of my face, incapable of getting out any more words)

POinting GIF

“Huh? What do you mean?” 

(Taps the unfortunate  wrinkle creases on my forehead)

“Teacher is a McDonald!” 

And in that moment I understood – and I was naturally shocked, but couldn’t help but guffaw like some madly intoxicated hyena…along with the rest of the class. We laughed about it for the rest of the day actually, and I still giggle (and cry a little) when it pops into my head at random times in the day!

Giggles GIF

Clever little bas**rds!

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Low Fat…Low Fun.

Sitting here, staring into the grey abyss of my cereal bowl. The foul putrid liquid that softens, and dulls the frosted flakes – turning them into flavorless cardboard husks before my very eyes. How did it come to this? Do I deserve this fate, which is surely worse than death? 

Low fat…it’s low fun. It’s flavourless, it’s bland. There is no bacon, no cheese. No syrup, no chocolate – no extras, no treats.

EATING B GIF

You don’t want diabetes, you don’t want cancer, you don’t want obese bum cheeks…or whatever else they say. So naturally you end up following certain elements of these horrible currents of advice. I’m waiting, not so patiently – for when we begin to celebrate real men or whatever, who have a nice little pouch stomach…like a kangaroo I guess, but not as cute, and well no baby – just gluttony in there. When we begin to celebrate real men for having burger bap nipples, and chaffing thighs – well then I can just let go completely, and will possibly never stop. I can’t wait. 

EATING A GIF

Like I literally can’t wait, so fuck it – I’ll just start now, best to get a head start…right? 

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Sexy Back

I’ve been having trouble with my back this past year – which has made me feel like a complete Grandad, constantly twisting, clicking, and moaning on…I thought it would be a good idea to get it checked out by a doctor in England  in the short window that I was on home-ground. You know, to see if anything was really amiss, or if I was just whining unnecessarily! 

Lebron Violin GIF

So I had to set up an appointment, but wasn’t really sure how to go about it…I know you can just Google these things but for some reason it didn’t cross my mind…I just rolled in unannounced and thought the nice people at the reception would probably help me out;

“Errr…hi…hello, hi. I’d like an appointment please…”

“Alright, what’s the problem?”

Now I found this odd. Maybe it’s just me! But what if it was something really personal, something I really didn’t want to share with the rest of the waiting room? A like…ball related thing, or like a penisey problem, or whatever. I probably wouldn’t want a load of strangers hearing about all that!

“It’s like a weird back thing…it’s like, sorry…it’s…”

“A weird back?”

“Yeah…I don’t know – it aches, I just wanted to check if it was-“

“You wanted to know from a professional if it is weird, or not?”

“Ergh, yes. I suppose so.”

“Ah…ha…”

Ron Nod GIF

And so after a condescending few minutes, I was given my appointment time – and bid her good day. I returned a week later…although funnily enough I hadn’t been having much to complain about. My back had been relatively well behaved. Now I would look like a big fat liar! Despite this I didn’t want to end up looking like a fool at the reception again, so kept going over the name of the doctor over, and over, and over – so that I wouldn’t be caught out!

“Hello! I have an appointment at 9:20.”

“Okay, what’s your name?”

“Doctor Foo.” 

“No…what is YOUR name?”

“Err…my…errr…” Now this really threw me, I was racking my brains for what seemed like forever, why did she have to ask me such a difficult question?! I felt like this was the final question on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? I was never going to get it right! Only a genius would!

“Err…it’s…John. John…Taggart!” Phew, got there. I took my seat with reddened cheeks, and an expression that clearly spelled out how ashamed I was.

IT Crowd Walk Away GIF

I waited a while, trying not to make eye contact with people – and also trying to subtly block the sputtering coughs from the contagious man next to me. But I didn’t have to sit for long, and was soon shepherded through by a beeping machine, announcing my name in red – and informing me of which room I had to go to. Room 7. 

I walked in unsure whether to do a handshake, after all I may have hand-plague…or something…or do doctors wear gloves for that very reason? Hmm…not sure. Anyway, he didn’t offer it, so I decided against it. Instead I just sat, as he quizzed me on this, and that. After the interrogation he told me to roll up my jumper – which made for an awkward scene, me standing with a self-made belly top, as he massaged, and prodded my knobbly joints!

He came to three conclusions, a trifecta of back ache horror, if you will. It wasn’t due to my flat feet, as I had guessed (I have feet like Donald Duck) instead it is down to working with small children – always leaning, and bending down to speak to them – like the BFG. Then there is the fact that I am always writing, and I probably slouch into my laptop when I do…then there is the fact that I am a tallish person in Asia…so I have to stoop somewhat to get a clear view of things, as “it’s not designed with John size in mind” as Dr Foo boldly  announced!

After all that we shared some stories about China, and Korea, which was nice – I then thanked him for his time, and bounced back home – paying special attention to my posture, asI had just endured quite a telling off!

Posture GIF

At least I can head back to South Korea with peace of mind! Mind…the long flights always give me a sore bum…perhaps I should have got Dr Foo to check that for me too…

On second thought, I think I’m fine.

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According to Gym

Okay, so this is a reply to a rather cheeky email I received yesterday(you know who you are!)…

So the sender asked me how my fitness/diet regime was going…first thought was; “urghhh, fuck you!” Because come on! I am sure anyone with a single brain cell will be able to tell that a pizza/ice cream lover such as myself, won’t be making dramatic transformations any time soon! And I certainly haven’t. 

WARNING! WARNING! EXCUSES ALERT! EXCUSES ALERT! 

You see I had a lot on my plate, you know…I was working a lot, and took on a lot of extra projects; including the NaNoWriMo novel. So starving myself, and running till I want to kill myself – fell down the pecking order when it came to importance. Also food is so delicious, which is a bummer. I blame the companies…I blame the…chef…I blame…cheese. I blame YOU.  Yeah, you reading this – it’s all your fault. I’m not sure why…but HOW DARE YOU.

Will Allergic GIF

Ahem. Sorry Will…I’m just joking, I have noticed some changes, I won’t show you the before picture…because I just looked and one of my nipples looks like a rotten hamburger for some reason, so the internet doesn’t need that. Trust me when I say I was a podgy little dumpling. The scales say I have only lost a gram (honestly!) since I begun, I did strip off like 2kg after a month or so, but then ice cream happened.

I feel half finished with it all, as I like doing weights, and that’s about it. I didn’t really get into it…the other day it was amazing, I was waiting for the elevator to go up to the gym…and I suddenly said to myself, “don’t go…how about we just don’t go?” And I was like, “yeah, great idea! Good thinking!” And then I turned around, and just walked out of the building,  I felt like a fucking time traveller! I had just saved time, I was like Doctor Who or something, I was about to be thrown into some horrible time vortex for a couple of hours, but now I would be able to do whatever I wanted! Namely lying down. Great!

Anyway, this is the “progress” so far – which I was reminded that I  I’d post (don’t recall this)…sorry about the middle finger, I am a little sensitive about my…well, everything. 

Fitness

I am leaving Korea tomorrow, and have a day in China (Beijing), before heading back to England for Christmas! That will ensure the demise of any healthy eating routine…but there’s always next year? Right? Right. Also I am going through a break-up right now, so that is double servings of ice cream right there…yes, thugs like me have feelings too. 

Anyway…thanks for the email(s)! I really appreciate each, and every one of you guys – and I mean that sincerely! Merry Christmas if I don’t post again this month! Much love! x

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