A Suffocating Child

I remember seeing the little warning notes on plastic carrier bags as a kid…something along the lines of ‘To avoid danger of suffocation, keep away from babies and children!’ And like most people (I imagine) I thought “DURRRRRRRRRR! Why must people constantly be told what is glaringly obvious?!” 

Well…hmmm…about that one…

Today I wandered into a classroom to be greeted with a strange figure donned in a rough and ready hood:

Strangers GIF

The mysterious character had pulled tightly around the neck, and had been amusing others by sucking at the plastic from the inside, so that it moved on the outside for all to see…hilarious, and captivating I’m sure! But now the airflow had been cut off altogether, and the hooded individual was wailing in a high-pitched tone, whilst belligerently banging all over the room in a bizarre attempt to fumble his way to safety…

…I ran up in total worried parent mode, and very nearly exclaimed: “you fucking stupid bastard!” but I didn’t want to be a hypocrite, and simply point out the blatantly obvious. Instead I clawed like a rabid dog at the plastic of the bag, piercing through with my barely there fingernails…creating a mouth hole so the kid wouldn’t, you know…die! That’s when I felt the gross slimy breath on my hand, and the saliva build up inside…disgusting…but the whimpering had stopped, and had been replaced with a vague, rather awkward laughter…

Laughs GIF

But I didn’t find it funny at all, I know I know – total DAD alert – but I couldn’t help it. I just kept asking over and over; “why would you do that? WHY? What were you even thinking?!” and other questions of that ilk. Naturally I just got blank stares, as the daredevil/absolute moron continued to breathe like a wheezing old turtle.

I mean, this was the first time in all my years I had ever seen anyone disregard the rather well-documented plastic bag warnings and proceed to jam it over their heads, in a “haha – aren’t I dangerous?!” kinda way…I sometimes wish I could be down with the kids, and chuckle at these things along with them – but I can just see the news headlines now!

‘TEACHER CHEERED ON AS CHILD SUFFOCATED HIMSELF TO DEATH WITH A PLASTIC BAG HE PROVIDED. CLAIMS IT WAS “JUST A BIT OF A LAUGH” AND DIDN’T CONSIDER IT DANGEROUS.’

Long headline like, but I am sure you get the picture – it doesn’t read well! So I have to continue with the adult facade…probably for the best, just this once.

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I ATE A DOG.

I ate a dog in China, and it has haunted me ever since…I mean you really don’t forget that kinda’ thing! Arghhhhhhhhh! 

Oh, and by the way – while I am here…the WordPress suspension has been lifted, they sent me this message “You may have seen our earlier notice that some social features had been disabled in your account. We have now reversed this block and hope the disruption to your use of our service was minimal.” Thank you so much to each, and every person who expressed concern over the misunderstanding. It was great to see the community come together in that way, and I am beyond appreciative. Honestly, thank you so much. 

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Feels Good to be a Gangsta

FINALLY! My super top-secret, massively illegal, and deep down, dastardly plan is almost complete! It’s been a long time in the making, but it was good to see my super mysterious confidant (Allan Still – real name, Margaret Smithson) come through for me.

Email Winner

I trust you guys, which is why I am letting you in on this little hustle. You may have noted that my code name is “Attn”, it’s what I’m known as in the streets you see…it stands for, errr…“Astronaut Trout Trouble Neanderthal”  – because one time I punched a guy so hard, he thought he had went into space, and now he talks like a trout…just sitting in a chair bubbling away to himself.

Anyway, if you want to be involved then all you need to do is send your name, address, telephone, blood type, and left lung to the “Delivery Agent” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, he-he-he)  listed above. Cheers! See you in prison soon! 

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KID’S DRAWINGS SUCK! (RANT)

I had to get this off my chest – it’s an injustice that should be made history, immediately! Why we put up with it I just don’t know! 

I think I made my point…ish…kinda

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2014 in Review

Here’s an excerpt:

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 180,000 times in 2014. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 8 days for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Thank you to everyone! With special thanks to holdmethrillmekissme , 10eveningflowerscharlypriesterikakind , and xiotteilegends

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My Facebook Space.

We used to be satisfied with our own personal space, that was enough for us – we would just bask in the warmth of our life, and our memories…our hopes, our dreams. MySpace, was a comfortable place…a musical land, with you, and your closest companions…your, top friends…I suppose you could call them. 

But with time we began to desire more – we wanted to see what life was like outside of this space…I admit MySpace became something of a bore…so without much warning, we escaped. Not literally of course. (We remained within the Internet compound.)

But instead we ran to elaborate works of literature…volumes with more than Myspace…suddenly I was flicking through the pages of Facebook. Never before had I seen so many faces! They made Myspace look bland in comparison! Reams, and reams of…well, faces! Of all cultures, colours, and creeds!

Reading GIF

So for now I am content, Myspace has became another chapter of the Facebook anthology. I feel part of a community, and I like it. 

But I open another window anyway – even though they say curiosity killed the cat…I want to hear this morning’s birds Twitter, and tweet. What’s the problem with that?

The Friend Zone

I have a HUGE, HUGE problem – you see, I have a friend…

I KNOW – TERRIBLE! BUT IT GETS WORSE…MUCH WORSE…

This friend, unfortunately…is of the opposite sex. It’s unthinkable! Unfathomable! Urghhh, I can’t believe this madness exists in the world…it’s made even stranger as it doesn’t feel weird, I mean it feels the same as a regular same-sex friendship – but it is NOT – I am in the friend zone; a desolate land that no one wants to be, ever…it’s kind of like a desert of broken souls, and unimagined dreams…and the fact that I didn’t realise I was here, makes it even worse, even more sad, even more depressing.

This was me and my so called friend, just before I found out about my wretched, and impure soul that our so called friendship was built around – 

Harry Hermione GIF

People actually feel sorry for me, and so they should. I’m a total, and utter, loser. I didn’t know I was breaking any rules…I just thought I had a friend, a nice-normal friend…but no…I was in the friend zone all along – the betrayal, the disgusting series of lies…I feel so stupid, how did I not see this coming?!

All those times we laughed and joked, just like real friends. All those times we met for coffee, lunch, dinner, and hugged goodbye – just like real friends. All those times we discussed opinions, vented about our relationships, or family problems – just like real friends. THEY WERE ALL A FILTHY ILLUSION.

I felt like Neo in The Matrix when I heard the truth…I saw all of the memes, read all of the internet stories, heard the lines in films and TV – they flooded through and everything suddenly made sense! Guys – just like me were realising they were “friend zoned”, and were waking up, aka – “getting out of the friend zone like a boss!” 

Desert GIF

It doesn’t matter that I am in a happy relationship with another girl, and that my “friend” is with a good man…what matters is that we now realise, despite the fact there is no sexual attraction whatsoever – we do not love each other, we are actually in love with each other – because we are of a different gender, and that is the only possible solution…we must battle this friend zone thing together.

After all you can NEVER just be friends with someone of the opposite sex, the world says NO – even if you both say, YES.

I’ve called her up…she hasn’t been in touch since – she was kinda freaked out – which I understand, it was a shock for me too; but surely it will all make sense soon, and she will pick me up from the friend zone. It’s the only way either of us will be able to survive this life.

Roll Eyes GIF

Did you relate to my tale of “woe”? Then make sure you like the facebook.com/storytimewithjohn page – we can make it through with each other’s help. 

(p.s. I know this kinda thing does happen sometimes, I am just trying to make the point that it is not always the case! After all I have a number of amazing friends, some who just so happen to be male, and some who just happen to be female! So can we cut the friend zone bullshit out, already?!)

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