HOW NOT TO FACE-PAINT 101!

So this week we had a “fun day” for the kids because there’s a Korean children’s holiday coming up soon! We sang songs, did some arts and crafts, and there was even a magician! Such laughs, such jokes, such jolly good fun! 

Then a big horrible monster of a man ruined it. As soon as he came bursting in a dark cloud was cast above the classroom…thunder and lightning began to crack, and air became cold. The beast spared no one…scarring both faces and minds alike – with simple strokes of a paint brush. Ruining childhoods, and lives with every ignorant flick of his accursed wrist.

Here is a picture of one of the survivors…he’s still alive, but who knows what degree of mental damage has been done?

Face Painting

I’m sorry, so so sorry…what’s worse is this was 100% my best effort. I’m surprised the parents haven’t came around to my home with flaming torches and pitchforks…

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Poo-Poo Monkey

You know…the unfair thing about playing with kids is…well, it’s unfair. 

You enter into the game like any other – thinking it will be a level playing field (because that’s how games should be right?!) but you quickly find it will be anything but. Like today I was instructed I was a “Poo-Poo Monkey” that was running amuck in a nearby zoo, and needed to be eliminated for poop crimes. I have no idea where this story came from, or even what exactly poop crimes are…but one can assume they are not good, or at the very best – very messy. 

ewww GIF

But you know what? I didn’t fuss, or fight it – I decided to take on the role as best as I could…like an actor who is just starting out, hungry and desperate to impress; I thought maybe if I do a good believable rendition of the Poo-Poo Monkey perhaps later I would be able to demand better, more prestigious roles! What can I say?! Gotta be positive, we only get one life after all!

However on the strength of today’s scenes the possibility is looking less, and less likely. To my disappointment it was just fifteen minutes of pure poop-filled carnage; me running around, getting pulled to the ground by eight grasping weirdly strong hands, having my clothes stretched out of size, and subjected to a constant stream of foul putrid gas. Beyond unprofessional working conditions! 

Ew Snape GIF

Oh, but no! The stench was always blamed on me…because I was the Poo-Poo Monkey! Totally unfair stereotype…just because of my name I was being tarred immediately with every negative connotation that can occasionally be attributed to folks of that sort. (If they weren’t fictional creations of course!) 

My main problem despite the blame-game was the odor itself…I mean…I just didn’t understand – what the hell are these kids eating?! It was like what I imagine old people’s homes smell like. If I had to give a rough recipe I would say…sardines? In vinegar. Burnt. Then rotten eggs swirled into the mixer for good measure. Oh yeah, and a dash of Nutella. 

You can see how frequent this must happen, seeing as though I practically have a cookbook in the works! What is my life? This wasn’t in the contract anywhere…

Unfair GIF

Well now it is written – life isn’t fair, especially when it comes to games with the little’uns! SO yes…now for better or worse, you all know it. Go spread the word, and never agree to play the Poo-Poo Monkey…it’s just not worth it!

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HOT Kindergarten?!

Just a funny little tale…

If you have a video request you can leave a comment, or send me an email – if it’s a cool/interesting idea then I will get to it as soon as I can!

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Playful Heart

I forgot to tell you all something funny that happened a couple of weeks ago…I guess I’ve been pretty caught up and busy with everything as of late! But better late, than never! Right? 

Right GIF

You see the new boss called me in – and I don’t know about you…but in those kind of circumstances I go into a strange child-like freak out, where I rack through my brains wondering what crime I have committed, and pre-planning all of the excuses I will use as and when necessary…

“Excuse me…cake…which cake? Oh…that cake, no I don’t…hmmm…no I can’t really remember – but I know it wasn’t me.” 

Problem is I go red, and sweat profusely whether I am guilty or not. Not ideal. I am sure that I would fail a lie detector no matter which ridiculous question was asked…

Cant GIF

“Do you think the illuminati is a real thing?” Well, no I – BRAAAAAP – LIAR!

“Does eating rabbit droppings cure cancer?” No, how could – BRAAAAAAP – LIAR!

“Is Nicolas Cage the best actor ever?” This is getting ridic – BRAAAP – LIAR!

Anyway, that went off on a weird tangent for a bit…sorry! So yeah, I was called in to a one-on-one meeting with my boss…who told me I had received a complaint, sort of. You see one of the mothers had called up and reported that her child is having too much fun, and that has now became somewhat of a concern.

She has been saying something about her heart beating so fast, and being so excited it often feels like it is going to fall out! “Oh…so too much fun?” I queried, to which she nodded in reply. “So…we should…erm…have less fun?”

Panic GIF

I was confused, and so was she…“ermmmm – no, no…but, errrmmm…yeah I just wanted to pass that on…just carry on, but…be careful?”

Fun kills guys. You should probably take care too! Everything in moderation – you don’t want to OD on it after all! Although if you’re going to go…that has to be up there with the best of em!

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Effects of Coffee

Just completed a new scientific study on the effect of coffee on teachers…the results were highly positive…

Coffee

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Mc Donald’s Head.

I’ve noticed something since I started travelling the world, and it has only been strengthened during my time writing this blog, and putting together my stories! 

Humour is something that brings people together – it’s a very HUMAN experience…and isn’t limited by race, culture, or whatever else!

l meet new people when travelling from all over the world, and what is the first thing we do? Usually make each other laugh! A stupid joke…a silly observation, a ridiculous suggestion…whatever it is. It’s something we can all share in, and is a terrific way to bond – and become new best buds for life.

Sponge BFF GIF

It also isn’t limited by language – my new kindergarten class can barely say “hello, how are you?” never mind anything more complex – but they have already came up with ways to make jokes, and get laughs! (at my expense!) 

“Teacher teacher! You like a McDonald?”

“Erm. Yes I do – of course! Why?” 

“Uhh-uhhh!” 

(Points frantically in the general direction of my face, incapable of getting out any more words)

POinting GIF

“Huh? What do you mean?” 

(Taps the unfortunate  wrinkle creases on my forehead)

“Teacher is a McDonald!” 

And in that moment I understood – and I was naturally shocked, but couldn’t help but guffaw like some madly intoxicated hyena…along with the rest of the class. We laughed about it for the rest of the day actually, and I still giggle (and cry a little) when it pops into my head at random times in the day!

Giggles GIF

Clever little bas**rds!

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Kids Go CRAZY.

So there was some weirdness today, as there is every day…actually it is so common place that I feel silly even reporting it to you – but nonetheless I will, as it got me thinking about something…

You see I was in the soft play bit of the kindergarten school, and had probably just fell down the slide, or been accidentally headbutted in the groin – when one of my students began to yell for my attention… “JOHNNN! LOOK. JOHNNNNNN! JOHNNNN! LOOK, LOOK, LOOOOOOK!” Well of course I span around, wondering what was so urgent that I couldn’t miss – you know,  what was it that meant I had to drop everything just to gaze upon it?

I wasn’t disappointed….there little Daniel was – flailing his arms in a frenetic motion, grinning from ear to ear, eyes half open – as if the joy of the moment was too much to fully witness. There was no rhythm, there was no steps, technique, or order…it was just whatever feels good, do. And oh my was he doing…

Peep Show GIF

I laughed, and he laughed…and the others laughed too, they didn’t join in – they just appreciated that he was having his own little kind of crazy moment, and he was having fun with it! And I thought it was amazing – adults are so restrained, and limited, and…well, let’s just say this – if I did the same thing it wouldn’t take long for the men in white coats to take me away, and sedate me for the rest of my life…how depressing. 

I love to just let loose – and just be yourself…your true self – not the pretend one you show people…it’s unfortunate that people find it quite weird, and unsettling when you just go with whatever is lurking in your head. Like on a date this Sunday I found myself laughing out loud quite literally – a thought I’d had crept into my head, and forced this reaction…then I had to explain myself to someone who really didn’t get what I was talking about – never mind find it funny…

“You see…well…the sections of that store – they have like…the BODY section, weirdly close to the HAIR section. So it looks like the BODY HAIR section, hahahaha…at a beauty store, haha…yeah, like…body hair – you know? Body…erm…hair…yeah…” 

Awkward Franco GIF

“There’s nothing funny about that. At all.”

And that was me put in my place. She was right of course, I suppose that should have just stayed in my head along with a bunch of other things I find myself saying, and doing – but it just gets so congested in there sometimes – it’s not surprising some hop out almost against my will!

I wish we lived in a world where we could just say, and do what we liked (as long as it didn’t hurt anyone else)…kids get an out. Where’s ours? And when did I trade it in – I don’t remember that at all…

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Ghostbusters: Reboot

First sneak peek of the new Ghostbusters reboot! Looks like they took things a different way this time around…

Ghostbusters

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Breaking Bad: Kindergarten

You could say we had a little…erm…”science experiment” today…

Breaking Bad (1)

Because, errr…we did! And it all exploded in my face, and now I smell horrendously bad. You see we had to mix sodium hydroxide with vinegar – and then the subsequent reaction would blow up a balloon…amazing I know! What I wasn’t warned about was that if the kid hadn’t attached it all together properly this would launch madly into the air, and slather me in wretched liquid!

Now I have a meeting, and no time to shower…excuses people – quick, quick, quick!!

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Oranges & Toothpaste

Never should they mix my friends, never should they mix…

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