Glasses Half-Full

I wish that I suited glasses…I am jealous of people who look distinguished, and interesting with a nice pair of specs – so to combat this I permanently live under the illusion that I have just not found the right pair…so still I search, and search…hoping to one day find what I am looking for. 

Today’s search was unsuccessful (again!) 

Opticians

And for some reason it got me kicked out of the opticians…how rude! Pfft!

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How I’ll Die.

Just found this in my pocket…

image

…I think I get the message…

(In the future I’m a Tellitubbie master-criminal, with a penchant for wearing  Scream masks – and the police are after me…and will no doubt shoot me dead? No? Other thoughts?!)

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Red Light (Netherlands)

The Netherlands – Amsterdam ~ 2010

(I am missing my friends from home – so, I naturally find myself reminiscing on old times…in particular, about an old adventure we had together a few years ago…I thought you may as well come along for the trip down memory lane!)

One good thing about where I’m from…(and there are many reasons don’t get me wrong!)…is that  you can hop on over to the ferry port, spend the night on a ship, and wake up in Amsterdam. I must have signed up for something many moons ago, as the company often emails me with special deals, and offers – the most important of which is said trip for £35 ($55!). There’s no excuse, so you get together your nearest, and dearest – your A-Team, and rush to pack your bags for a fun-filled weekend! And that’s what I did back in 2010! 

Celebrate GIF

I’d have to miss some time at university…I don’t even know why I am including that bit of information – as if I deliberated the decision at all – pfft,  I didn’t give it a second thought! I think I “asked” one of the professors, and they said it was a bad idea…and then I went ahead, and booked it all up anyways! I hadn’t ever been on a holiday with friends before, and the thought of a few days away with a few of my best’uns, had me in no doubt whatsoever…that this was a good idea!

We arrived at the ferry terminal early, we were well prepared – which is another way of saying; loaded up to the necks with alcohol, we only had to endure a couple of nights, but didn’t want to be either caught short…or worse, having to pay the extortionate rate on drinks at the ship’s bar. You are quite literally held hostage…in the middle of the sea, and have no choice but to shell out whatever they ask…it’s piracy basically, they are just less ARRRRR about it, and no one has a peg-leg, or a sharp hook for a hand. But still…pirates in the most underhand way! 

Anyway, there were four of us – and it was two to a room, so naturally there were some fights over who was with who…and after that was finished with, a fight over which room was the main room, so to speak. You know; the room where everything fun happens, and everyone congregates in for the partaaaayz (with a z to emphasise the  extra coolness)…people tried to give stupid excuses, but the fact is it’s easier to pass out in your own room…and depressing to leave a lively place, and enter a silent graveyard.

Still…you’ll have a cleaner toilet…so…hmmm…maybe I didn’t think it all the way through…

Never mind! Because soon we were all together, laughing, and drinking – I don’t know which we were doing more…the laughing, or the drinking – but both were seeing their fair share of action! I can’t even remember what was so funny now, but I still get the warm feeling looking back; something about a badger had me in stitches…and, errr…someone’s socks or something? What was it? Hmmm…well whatever it was, I couldn’t fucking breathe for giggling!

Laughing 70s GIF

The shenanigans were just getting started when there was a bang on the door…somebody with a name-badge, saying we had to keep it down…it was 8:00pm after all, and people were trying to sleep. (Huh?) We tried our best after this, but soon it became apparent that this would be impossible – this was back when I thought vodka mixed with something sweet was the best thing in the world – it isn’t, but after a few strong drinks you begin to believe your own bull-shit. Anyway, some bright spark said that we should go out on the top deck…that way we could be as loud as we wanted, and not bother anyone. Seemed like a stroke of genius! What wasn’t genius was one of my friends knocking on everyone’s door in the corridor as we headed out…”YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTAAARD!” I said, in one of those really loud-whispered screams, where you want to make it seem like you are shouting, but still want to do it quietly so as to avoid detection…I think he got the message, anyway – we fled the scene, and began to scarper up the metal steps to the deck…

There we serenaded the night away – sing-a-long, after sing-a-long – of whatever tune came to mind…we probably acted out a few Titanic scenes too, and definitely had many more laughs at each other’s expense. After all, that is what being real friends is all about!

The morning after was, well…rough. As we were leaving the ship some official looking types with shirts, and practical shoes said we had made a lot of noise last night, and they weren’t too happy about it…we didn’t have the energy to deal with it all, but tried to explain that we had went outside so as to avoid bothering people…everyone could still hear our singing somehow…I was a little offended, as honestly I thought I had been hitting some good notes, and particularly when it came to some of The Libertines tunes, I thought I had really shone. Suppose not. They stripped us of our passports, and said we’d get them back “if we were good.” We didn’t understand, but nodded, and moved on – hoping we would be able to sit down sometime soon.

That’s when we were shooed over to the far-side of the parking lot, and instructed to get on the coach that was set to take us to the town-center of Amsterdam…it was a harsh ride; we spoke largely in mumbles, and most of that was based around the subject of being sick – and how if the driver wasn’t swerving so madly – we’d be fine. As soon as we arrived, one of us immediately sprinted down a back alley…so we ran after him, thinking he was leading the way (he had been bragging the night before, about how he has been twice already)…when we caught up with him, he was hurling his guts up next to a cheese store. Maybe he was like, allergic to dairy? Yeah, probably not. Anyway, it took everything I had not to join him, as the faint foul flicker of stomach acid trickled up my nostrils…

But then I spotted a McDonalds, and all was forgotten! This would sort out the killer hangover! And it certainly did! Soon we were renewed, and replenished – and bounced out on to the streets for a good look around!

Regret Austin GIF

The cool guy strut didn’t last for long though, as I was nearly killed by an over-eager cyclist on every single street – before I knew it, I found myself walking a lot slower, and with a lot more caution than before! In other words I stopped stupidly meandering into the cyclist path…oh, the shame. 

Anyway, the “experienced” friend said we just had to see the Sex Museum so we did – but…honestly…no one has to see this place. Not ever. Oh my goodness, what an unnecessary pile of shit place it is! Just a load of bits, and pieces…cocks, and knobs, willies, and twinkles – jammed together in one place…I think it was supposed to be shocking or something, or overly vulgar for comedic effect – but seriously if you’ve seen it once, then this will probably bore you as much as it did me, (and I was 19 at the time!) It’s safe to say, that after this we were very suspicious of everything said friend said, we had to see.

To raise our spirits we visited a local cafe, where amongst other things you can buy these special cakes which have magical powers (or something). We sat for a while, and just relaxed…soon the positive spirit was back with us, and we began to find our sense of humour again. Mind we were a little tired, so much running around the night before…and then today, so busy…what with the coach, and err…the McDonalds…we had a little lie down on the couches, but this didn’t last for long. One of my friends wanted to have a discussion about a pressing issue, something that just couldn’t wait, something that I simply had to hear!

“Why did the cow jump over the moon? Like why? And…how? That is never explained…”

I didn’t really have an answer for that. Actually I didn’t have a fucking clue what he was even getting at, but I nodded politely all the same. But made sure to roll my eyes at one of my friends, so I could get his attention – and  start my own discussion with him…this one was really a pressing issue – not just some stupid cow-moon scenario. This one mattered – this one was important.

“Hey…hey…seriously though now – Martin Luther King was a fucking nice guy. Don’t tell me any different. He was a nice guy. People think he wasn’t…BUT HE WAS, AND THEY ARE WRONG.” 

Rock Proud GIF

This is what I can recall (ish), but the rest is lost in the fog. There was probably a lot more – but it will have just been along a similar theme…that he was nice, and no one knows it (pretty sure people widely agree he was nice, so not sure where I got that from…hmm…) Perhaps my friends got sick of me, or perhaps I had suggested it – but for whatever reason, we were back out on the street, looking for more sight-seeing spots. What actually happened was a lot of walking down the same streets, and circling around…and overall confusion. Where were we? And what were we supposed to be doing?  The cow jump over the moon friend was leading us…but to where?!

Now I must point out he isn’t the brightest in the world, God love him – but he started to explain that he had been leading us towards the red lights. Because “you follow the red lights, and end up in the red light district.” We laughed in his face (obviously!), and said that was the stupidest thing we had ever heard. And also, why did he even want to go there? I am no expert in those kinda things…but 2pm, really? He said he was intrigued…that’s all, just wanted to see the place…and with that he spotted another red-light, and was off on his way. It’s almost biblical isn’t it? Well no, it isn’t…but, yeah. 

We laughed, and considered just letting him go – and returning to the bus without him…but that little thing called guilt began to sneak in (dammmn youuuu!) and we ran to pull him back, in a bid to make him snap back to his senses, if at all possible. The lure of more food seemed to do the trick, just fine! Go figure, ey?  

It was a shame, but our trip was soon going to be over – and as we piled back on to the coach, we were able to reflect on the last couple of days…actually we just fell fast asleep…but still, reflecting on things sounds better.

Amsterdam Pic

 A few snap-shots I have just re-discovered! Please note my friend’s “hotmale” t-shirt he bought in one of the tourist shops – also note my fake smile (I was jealous that he spotted it first!)

Once we got back to England we were all exhausted…and it was mutually decided that the only thing that could remedy this, was a humongous breakfast…a colossal amount of bacon, and sausage…eggs…toast…mushrooms…whatever else you can find, throw it on a plate! Oh, and a cup of tea – milk, no sugars…because, you know – diet, and all that…we began to discuss everything that had went on, as you do…checking, and re-checking who had said what, re-opening certain situations, and moronically trying to defend our actions to one another.

I laughed so much that weekend, and things were certainly more simple back then – but at least I have the memory – and at least I now know, that most people do agree that Martin Luther King was a fucking nice guy. What a relief. 

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Extreme Makeover

Those who have even vaguely read any of my stories, will probably pick up that I am somewhat self-conscious when it comes to my looks…well, I guess most of us are. 

That’s why I nominated myself for an Extreme Makeover. 

This is me before the makeover! I was pretty excited!

Collage Face

And, this is me after my makeover – I really like my new look, what do you think?

Collage Face 2

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Maddening Meatballs

Are you sitting down? Because, you certainly need to be seated for this…as what follows here, may be the most excruciatingly painful bit of news you will here for some time…a horrendous event that has certainly scarred me for life, and has depressed me to no end. 

So it all started off relatively normal, I was hungry…which is always a vulnerable state to be in…you fall for marketing ploys more easily, and the lovely smells start to take on that cartoonish effect – where they basically carry you into the nearest restaurant! I wanted something quick, as I had places to go, people to see. So thought I couldn’t go wrong with good ol’ Subway. With being in Korea, I thought it would be a rare taste of the staple Western cuisine we all know, and love…this has been true throughout the world for me – actually I remember at the foot of The Great Wall of China, there was a Subway…and I held up the whole tour group (accidentally), when I decided I shouldn’t miss the chance to snag a foot long sandwich…I didn’t expect them to wait for me…but they did…so I had to  endure the rest of the walk up there with jealous faces staring at me, as sauce ran down my face…

kevin-smith-sandwich GIF

Anyway, I just got sidetracked, sorry…so yeah, I walked into the Subway, and was ecstatic to find that the meatball sub had some kind of special set menu deal thing going on…like a lunch time offer I guess. This was great news, because then I could tell myself that I did really well, that I was saving money, I was being a thrifty so-and-so, and that the money I hadn’t spent – could now be put towards something more productive…or even charity…yeah! It’s lucky I actually decided to come here, good for me…and more so, good for the WORLD!

So there I was waiting in line, planning out which veggies I may put in this, soon to be Nobel Peace Prize winning sandwich. And as I was doing so, I noticed the guy in front of me was ordering three foot long sandwiches…THREE! I would be amazed if they were all for himself, but it’s highly likely he is bringing them for some of his pals in the office…man, I wish I was his friend…that’s a true friend. Throwing you a sandwich, and giving the nod that says; no big deal (even though you BOTH know this is love of the highest kind). Or perhaps even leaving it by their computer with a little post-it note…slightly more sentimental…you could be like, “I love you thiiiiiis much!” Because…foot-long…foot is a measurement…and…alright, that’s only good advice, if you want to be the office weirdo. Apologies.

It was soon my turn, so I snapped out of my usual daydreams, and ordered what I wanted by a mixture of terrible Korean, English, and vividly illustrious pointing. I am a really good pointer…pointing is good in every culture, every country…smile, and point…smile, and point. Sounds like a workout DVD…but seriously, it WORKS. 

Pointing Bale GIF

“Aaaaahhhh! Meatuh-bol?” YES! She understood! We were in business! Once again the handy old index finger had came in…err…handy…anyway, I watched as she pulled out the bread, I couldn’t help but lick my lips in anticipation…she then cut it in half, and I nodded, almost like I was greeting it…she then opened up the metal tray for the meatballs – so far so good, nothing amiss! 

AND THEN THE WORLD WENT TOPSY-TURVY – STARK, RAVING MAD. PIGS WERE FLYING, I REPEAT – PIGS WERE FLYING.

I did think it was weird she put her hands in the tray…not a scoop, or a spoon…but I wanted to believe that it couldn’t be true. But before I knew it, I could no longer keep lying to myself. She pulled out a few rotten grey, grandpa testicle lookin’ balls, and threw them on the bed…I did one of those mini sick in your mouth things, but held myself together. I began to wonder what parallel universe I had wandered into…what version of hell is this?! The balls were so sad there on the bread, so alone…they were crying out for some marinara sauce…they were screaming, pleading with me…but there was nothing I could do, there was glass between us – it was as if they were on death-row, and I was coming to visit them one last time. But then the prison warden, the sick bastard she was…went, and made it about three hundred times worse…this must be how she gets her kicks…she picked up a mysterious bottle…everything began moving in slow motion…as she squirted lashings of ketchup across the balls, over, and over, and over again…drowning them into oblivion…

NOOOO GIF

…this was served to me with a grin…a cruel, cruel grin…as she held it out to me…“Meatuh-bol!” 

I gazed longingly at the poster next to me…it had been so full of promise – now all I have is a soggy ketchup testicle bun. The horror, THE HORROR! I cried bitterly as I ate it…and spent the rest of the afternoon skipping rocks across a lake, and thinking deep thoughts, about life…and why we are here…and how can there be a God if cruel things like this exist in the world?

I don’t know…it was just a lot to handle…I’m tearing up just re-living it…I have to go…

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Everyday Awkward

Here’s your daily dose of silliness – but something that is seriously all too common in my daily routine…can anyone else relate to my top five everyday awkward moments?

1. Showing someone a video/song, and immediately making excuses for it:

Show GIF

This happens to me a lot…usually it is a “funny” video – or a song that I think no one in their right mind couldn’t love…only to be met with blank stares. “Errrr, just stick with it! Err…it gets good soon…huh…hmm…it isn’t that funny on second thought…sorry…sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Then your friend pretends it wasn’t that bad, and the awkward circle continues.

2. Holding the door open for someone, after miscalculating how far away they were:

Wait Door GIF

This was brought up on a recent post, but I think we can all agree that this one is a lurking MENACE. You are wandering along in your own world, you sort of realise someone is walking somewhere close behind you – naturally you hold open the door, only to look up, and see that they are A HUNDRED MILES AWAY!

Well, not exactly but it certainly feels like it. Again the awkwardness works on both sides, as you have to consider just letting the door close, and risking it slamming in their faces…or keeping it held open, and consequently forcing the stranger to quicken their pace, so that this horrible exchange can finally die. Urgh, how do we do away with this tradition?!

 3. Saying “nice to meet you”, during a phone call:

Awkward GIF

At least people can’t see your facial expressions on the phone…because if they could they would see my face curl into a URGHHHLLLLLDURGGG when I find myself dropping this absolute clanger. I usually attempt to clear it up, with an automatic compliment…like the following…honestly, it doesn’t really work ~

“Nice to meet you.. oh, err – you have lovely eyes – SHIT, no. Errr…can, can…can we just start all this again please? It’s my first phone call ever, so I am a little nervous.” 

– BEEEEEEEEP – Guess not. 

4. Answering back with “you too”, despite it not being applicable:

You Too GIF

This one can strike at any time – it seems to have a field day on birthdays though, you know like…“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” – “Oh, thanks, you too!” And then you have to stand there as a tumbleweed rolls on by. Or perhaps it’ll happen when dealing with restaurants ~ “Hope you enjoy your meal!” – “I will, thanks – you too.” ARGH! 

Why did you even think you could leave the house? Total lack of foresight on your part, I’m afraid! NEVER LEAVE YOUR CAVE, IT’S NOT SAFE!

5. Pushing a “pull” door, and pulling a “push” one:

Push Pull GIF

It’s fine when there’s no one around…well, sort of – you still get a deep burst of sadness, that pushes its way all the way down to your core, and makes you feel worthless. But, still – at least no one saw it, and was able to pass smirking judgement.

This seems to happen more regularly (by horrific coincidence), when I am trying to imitate a cool, movie actor type walkaway. Something like…“well, I best be going – you take care now…see you when I see you.” The turn was perfect, your eyes were piercing, and there was a slight swish to your coat tail as you spun away from the now enchanted individual.

Cut to you, clumsily wrestling with the door, and then having to look back at the person, and use a pathetic, grovelling ‘he-he-he” laugh before you finally make your actual exit.

So, yeah – life…it can be a struggle! Are there any more I have missed out? 

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Bad hair day

Today has been, well, not the best. There were some good parts; like been put in touch with Samsung to do some editing work for them, and then there was warming up yesterday’s pizza for lunch (apparently my diet has…well…died.), oh and an old friend of mine from Georgia State, named Katie Adkins, suddenly found herself thrusted into internet fame due to her featuring in the comedy clip, Too Many Cooks, which according to my news feed became a viral sensation all of a sudden.

Not too shabby. 

Then I tried to leave the house, and all hell broke loose. I was already in a bit of a pissed off mood; I had messed with the caffeine levels too much – pushed myself too far, yes I had got to almost 25,000 words on my novel – but I hadn’t got the coffee balance right. So I was in one of those moods where everything seems like it is falling apart, and it also appears that the whole world (despite being inanimate objects) are out to get you, and only you! So you stub your toe on a chair, and kick it back which surprisingly hurts as well – so you then find yourself having some kind of physical altercation with the thing, littered with one-sided expletives, and probably more kicking, and punching – as it just stares at you all…“really, like really?” Then you go to pick out a shirt, and it is tangled up somehow, so the rest of the shirts fall…cue, huge almost suffocating sigh. You put the shirt on back to front, inside out, miss a button…you know the drill; sod’s law. Milk spills, handles come off in your hands, towels don’t cooperate and come flying off the rail for some reason. Everything was just going to shit basically, it was like a carnival crazy house today, except not fun. And I wasn’t paying with any form of currency, I was paying with my fucking SANITY.

It was then that I took a moment to just drink some water, breathe in, and breathe out. Clear my head.

Breathing Sponge GIF

I then lied to myself, saying “ahhh…that’s better.” Although clearly nothing had changed. 

The next few minutes went by pretty smoothly, as I was ultra careful, and extra polite to my surroundings. I got to the final stage of doing my hair, and I had decided that I wouldn’t wash it properly as with the way the day was going, I would probably squirt shampoo in my eyes, and make myself blind for life…or even worse, in one eye – and then everyone would call me a pirate…a sham-poo-pirate, a pirate made of poo, who is a sham, because he didn’t get his eye patch through banditry, but instead because he was an idiot who couldn’t wash his hair properly…oh, the gossip, and rumor that would circulate the galleons…I couldn’t cope with all of that. So, obviously I couldn’t let that happen. 

Shakes FInger GIF

So I just brushed it back, in an attempt to renew yesterday’s gel, and grabbed the hairspray to cement it in place. It looked shit, but it wasn’t like I was going anywhere important – just wanted to get out for fresh air, and then a coffee shop for a change of scenery, and hopefully more writing. But my hair wouldn’t agree with me, it kept sprouting up at regular intervals, and down-right refusing to stay down…I would press it, and spray, spray, SPRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY – but then, pop! It would be back up again…as if someone was holding an invisible balloon above my head, charged with static.

To combat this, I brushed it a different way – more spray, spray, spray-spray, SPRAAAAAAAAAAY! Again it would just pop! back up. I think it thought it was being fucking cute, but I can tell you now, I was not amused in the slightest. The room was starting to fill with this obnoxious spray, this horrible gas – it was filling my lungs up, and tasted like urgh…locker rooms.

Smell GIF

I tried to just breathe through my mouth instead, but I could taste it too…so I gave one last SPRAAAAAAAAAAY, then combed it back – and stared at this frustrated, and exhausted husk of a reflection that looked back at me. He was begging me to shoot him in the head, so that this day would be over…but instead I marched over to the other side of the room, and picked up a cap – and pulled it over my head.

Done.

As I was packing up my laptop, I decided I would throw out the useless hairspray that had given me so much hassle, I mean if it doesn’t do its job then I don’t need it, right? Well…that’s when I caught sight of the label…Nivea Men: 48 Hour Silver Protect. I threw it in the bin anyway, take that inanimate object – you’re not getting the better of me! And anyway, if I started getting hot-headed over minor details later on, at least I wouldn’t be all sweaty about it…

Well, I wish that was true – but instead I spent the rest of the day, thinking there was some smelly bastard behind me, or in the surrounding area…but each, and every time – it was me.

Like this story? Then why not like the page, at: www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

Inter-phew

Perhaps you remember me blabbing* on about the possibility of a comic strip, based on Storytime with John? You see I’d met with a Korean publishing company that had came up with the idea…each episode would be a typical tale of a foreigner encountering cultural differences and weirdness….well…about that…it’s not happening – at least for the time-being. 

Willy Nothing GIF

A little infuriating as I had written out over twenty episodes already…and just had to sit there and take it, as they were effectively flushed down the toilet. I say “a little infuriating”, but I really mean “gut wrenchingly, eyes-popping out, crazed beast rage”. 

Instead, I was asked to come up with some ideas for a brand new comic…“I want a crazy Spongebob – anything goes world!” were the words he used, as he sent me on my way and closed the door. Now I had no idea what that meant, but I gave it a shot all the same! I wanted it to be a universally loved creation – It seems that Spongebob is one of those figures who people either adore, or despise – like a Justin Bieber, but in cartoon form, living in a pineapple, under the sea…okay, so there is only a vague similarity…they both wear pants, let’s leave it there.

But I wanted my creation to be love-able in every which way! Any piece of writing I do, anything I construct – I never want anyone to say “I fucking HATE this!” Maybe they end up hating it…but that is another story! So I came up with four separate stories that I would offer to him, so he could pick the one he liked most (or hated the least!) I am sure they will sound so dreadful when I explain them – BUT THEY ARE MY BABIES SO DON’T SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT MY BABIES!

GET OUT GIF

The first one was about a monkey test pilot called Morgan, who crash lands on the moon, and is then taken in by the alien population who live there…the second was about a futuristic world in which dolphins now rule on the land, the third was about a Dream School where every monster goes to train to be in our dreams or nightmares, and the fourth was based around a microcosm empire living under a kid’s messy bed. Phew

Just picture me, sat in a CEO’s office, suited up, and sweating – rambling my explanations, and descriptions in the same manner as I have just spoken them to you…checking his reaction, paying attention to his furrowed brow, and his unflinching stare. I sounded STUPID. This had all seemed like a good idea, I had sat and constructed these creatures, their worlds, decided what foods they loved, and ones they hated – I was a special guest in each of their lives…but I still couldn’t make them sound even vaguely interesting when trying to explain aloud.

“So that’s…those…those are the ideas I had. Sorry, I was…”

“I like one, and four – so let’s go with those. Everyone likes a monkey, we can get that set up late this year – the bed monsters…February 2015?” 

He made some calls, as I sat there trying to look professional, and not like someone had whispered into my ear “psssst, you have won the lottery, but you can only collect it if you keep a straight face!” I was ecstatic. I mean…it was craziness. Is this what the adult world is? Just dressing up in suits, and talking about cartoons? Apparently so.

Adult GIF

Anyway, due to have some meetings soon to take things forward. He has flown to Hollywood for some work, when he told me my automatic reaction was “ooooooohhh la-la!” which I honestly wish I could retract, but never mind, what’s done is done. This is slowing things down though, but he said he will send me some early sketches the artist has drawn up, sometime soon. When I get them, you get them! 

In other news, I am heading back to the UK for Christmas (WOOOOO! FIRST TIME IN THREE YEARS!) and I have accepted an afternoon job starting January, at an English academy close to Gangnam, Seoul – reason being I can’t rely entirely on Mr. Hollywood, and have to pay those bills! Unless…anyone wants to be my mysterious benefactor? I do have Great Expectations after all!

Woody GIF

Oh, and thanks to writerinsoul for reminding me to update you all on this!*

Chat with Frenchy

Hello there, my friends! Something a little different for you today…you see, the other day a friend of mine, Frenchy*, kindly made me this banner for the site’s Facebook page! Look at it! Nice, eh?

Facebook Banner

* Frenchy is the creator of The Standard, which is a music competition for which I am a recurring judge. He’s also a graphic artist, musician, and all around good-guy.  

Anyway, I thought it would be nice to call him up to say thank you! It also gave him the chance to talk about his business, and projects…and a chance for myself to tell some stories using a different medium! Hope you enjoy it, we had a lot of fun catching up…

Head over to facebook.com/storytimewithjohn – to see that beautiful cover photo in its place! Thanks again, Frenchy – you’re a gem!

Losing weight.

I really want to lose weight. I am sick of it. It follows me around everywhere…clinging to me, dragging me down with no regard for how I feel. I have simply grew tired of this one sided relationship! So in desperation I tried to lose it in a shopping mall – I ran around a corner, and kept on running, hid in the bathroom for a little while…then meekly popped my head out to see if it had caught up, it hadn’t! But that moment of triumph was short lived…as it found me again in the food court. It always finds me eventually.

Fat GIF

One time I tried to lose it in the countryside, I thought I would take it out, and trek up a huge mountain to wear it out – give a  promise of a huge meal at the end of it, and then just leave it there – drive away, and let it starve to death. But then when I returned home, it was already in the kitchen, eyeing up the fridge and cupboards.

It will never leave me, I am stuck in this situation, and will be forever.

A friend of mine said she lost her fat, but it took over three years to do so…apparently it was agonizing, and there were a few occasions when she caved, and would meet up with it – ignore her better judgement, and have a date at Mc Donalds like the good old days! But after a while she cut it off completely…and rarely hears from it these days.

That gives me a glint of hope…maybe someday I can lose my fat too.

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