This may not be news to you, but it’s the new year – and with it comes a plethora of good intentions and subsequent feelings of “I hate myself, why did I eat an entire truckload of doughnuts?” But don’t worry, I’m here for you – and although I intend to eat whatever I want, and do whatever I want, I still somehow feel very comfortable giving friendly (as well as hugely condescending and patronising) advice like the rest of the internet.

I have identified five ways in which people, that includes you (however if you are an alien reading this, piss off back to Mars – this isn’t for you), screw up their lives monumentally on a daily basis…without even knowing it. Combat these five bad habits, and you will be well on your way to living the life you have always dreamed of!

1) We compare ourselves to other people who are more famous:

Listen you will never be Augustus Gloop. No matter how hard you try you will never be able to fall in a chocolate river and die by way of your lungs slowly filling up with choco milk. It’s not happening, ever. You can fall in a regular river, you can buy some chocolate from your local convenience store – but you cannot, repeat cannot, be Augustus Gloop. So stop beating yourself up because your reality doesn’t match that of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory…you’re painfully normal, and that’s okay.

Just a thought, but to you high-flyers reading this – how about you work your way up at Shell or another big oil company…become the head honcho…and then instead of leaking oil into the sea, you leak chocolate milkshake. That way you will make a real difference by letting us little people live out our fantasises!

2) We  don’t let people in:

Holding the door shut behind you every time you enter a room is a sure fire way to lose friends and alienate people. Perhaps that sounds good, perhaps that’s actually why you do it in the first place – but trust me when I say this…it’s not cool. Holding a hospital door shut? Well done you just killed someone. Holding a supermarket door shut? Well done an old lady somewhere isn’t going to have milk in her tea. Holding your own door shut? Well done…well actually no, no one is coming to your door anymore because they can’t stand you. 

Let people in for God’s sake.

3) We  forget that life is a musical:

I know what you are thinking, for the most part musicals are incredibly annoying and people who like them are either demented or lying to themselves. But no – they are in actual fact, brilliant! So with that in mind you should live your life as a musical if you really want to find true happiness in your day to day life.

“Seventeen-fifty!? Seventeen-fifty? Seventeen-fiiiiiiftyyyyy for condoms – you must be having a laaaaaaaaugh!” No matter the scenario everyone loves a good sing song, and they will likely join in. Especially at funerals. The best tip I can give is to narrate every single detail…it takes a bit of practice but eventually you will get the knack, and soon enough you will be the life and soul of every party. People will even throw things at you, sometimes even flowers. Which brings me to my next bit of advice…

4) We throw eggs at elderly people whilst shouting strange internet jargon at them:

It’s so ingrained in Western culture to do this that I will probably lose some followers just by suggesting it…but stop, stop it right now. These people should be treated with respect, so may I suggest that instead you use those eggs to create a delicious cake. Spend time with them and hear their stories…you can actually pick a lot of perspective. You also get to eat cake in the process – doesn’t that seem a healthier way to spend your time? Sure there’s no laughter but who needs humour in this hilariously positive world. No one.

AND DON’T THROW THE CAKE. DON’T!!

5) We dig holes in the side of hills in a bid to become a real-life Hobbit, and then give up half-way through:

You’ve had a hard day at work, or an easy day slacking off at school, and you are worn out. It’s understandable, your mind starts to wander and you think “what if?” You watch a few YouTube videos and some American guy tells you that you need to live in the now, and that if you want something you should just do it, go for it, RIGHT NOW. You nod to yourself and grab a shovel – find a nearby hill – and get to work. But you didn’t really think it through…I mean how do I support the ceiling? Do I have to pay council tax? Where will my post be delivered to? How do I even…

You return home defeated, and people start calling you a “Halfling” in your local area…not because you were almost a Hobbit – but because you did half a job, and are essentially a waste of space. Listen, I have been there, and it is a hard one to beat…but the best thing to do is to just not try at all. Perhaps try and be an orc instead? That would probably be easier…all you have to do is smoke 100 cigarettes a day and inject meth into your eyeballs every hour. Good Luck. 

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