Green Screen Queen

Don’t you just love the internet?! I know I do. Just a few years ago a bizarre outfit choice by a celebrity would remain as just that – something that was briefly whispered about before been forgotten forever.

“Why would she wear an illuminous green suit? Is it a throwback to her favourite member of the Teletubbies in an attempt to be down with the kids at age 90?”

Who knows for sure. But whatever the reasoning it can now become so much more – thanks to the wonders of our technological age, and the fact that the costume is as near to a Star Wars movie green screen as you can get…here’s a quick rundown of some of the best I could find, and a brief supporting explanation of the outfits:

1. Yummy Pizza Queen:

Pizza Queen.jpg
This has totally changed my perception of the Queen as before now I will admit I had never considered her to be delicious…but in this pic, smothered in melted cheese and layered with pepperoni I can confidently say – yum. 

2. Milky Way Queen:

Spacey Queen.jpg
In a collaboration with little known fashion designer Neil deGrasse Tyson this piece hints at the Queen’s plans for the future; to explore and conquer the entire universe. Please note that although the explosions look like stars…they are actually nukes. 

3. LSD Queen of Rainbows:

Queen Rainbow
The Queen has recently returned from a royal visit to Amsterdam where she reportedly stayed in a hostel. Initially she was pissed off at having to stay in a dorm alongside eleven strangers – but after a few hours she was at one with the world and her existence. This piece was created as a wearable collage of her trip experience.

4. Queen of D…Aubergines…Eggplants…yeah:

Queen Veg.jpg
The Queen loves Instagram, and the lady’s emoticon game is strong. What more is there to say really?

5. Queen of the Cat Ladies:

Queen Cats
Somewhat jealous after seeing more people search for “cute photos of cats” rather than “cute photos of the Queen of Great Britain and the Commonwealth” she decided to collaborate in order to boost her follower count. Personally I think she looks great…this is certainly a boon for devout cat ladies everywhere.

6. Queen of Old Simpsons’ Marathons:

Queen Homer.jpg
The Queen is just like everyone else! She eats (exclusively from Waitrose, and Marks and Spencers) she drinks (from the tears of your jealousy) and likes nothing more than to sit in all Sunday watching old episodes of The Simpsons whilst quoting all of the best lines!

7. Queen of Arcade High Scores:

Space Invader
She is currently planning a royal visit to Tokyo to show the reigning Japanese champions what’s up. She thought a visual aid such as this may provide her with an edge.

8. Queen of Anti-Monarchist Mu…errr, this is getting weird:

Sex Pistols - The Queen.jpg
Errrr…it’s her favourite song?

Hmmmmmm…so anyway, which one was your favourite? Well aside from the pizza coat – because that’s an obvious one.

But whatever your answer I hope this brought a little joy to your weekend! I’d pick this over doom and gloom, or petty trolling anyday! 

www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

www.youtube.com/storytimewithjohn101

Please buy my collection of stories! Get it in paperback here – or on Kindle here! ALL proceeds go towards Macmillan Cancer Support!

The Odd Shoes…

You can probably guess this already, but I am a big fan of unusual people. You know? The ones who set themselves apart, not intentionally, but simply by being themselves. Just to clarify, I’m not talking about the maniac flasher, or the guy who stares without blinking…that’s a whole different post.

The reason why I like the unusual, or ‘eccentric’ element – is that it invites questions; who, what, where? How, and why? And with these questions comes conversation, and from that comes a different perspective…

So with that in mind, it’s a shame that I couldn’t ask a young lady I spotted today all of those things; I mean she was a stranger for one, and then you have the language barrier to consider too…but anyway, here’s what happened:

I was on the subway, squashed in as usual as it gets so busy on the weekends. I had to stand in front of the people who were sat down, trying to tame my blushes as my mind went into a crazy fit shouting “YOUR GROIN IS AT THEIR EYE LEVEL! YOUR GROIN IS AT THEIR EYE LEVEL!”  I flicked through my phone…no WIFI…so I was just randomly looking at old pictures, or at least pretending to. I thought about turning around, so my butt would be in the seated grandma’s faces…perhaps that is better? But then I recognised I’d be face to face, groin to groin, with the grunting sweaty man behind me. So I stayed put. 

Awkward Look GIF

Someone did catch my eye though. She had a rather unassuming look, with typical Korean style clothing – that is to say colorful, and well put together. She was playing a phone game, like 99% of the other people on the carriage. But one thing stood out…you see…she had, well…odd shoes on…

…like…different shoes, not just an alternating colour. Completely different. I’m talking one New Balance, and the other Adidas. I looked away after I realised I had been staring for a while, and felt my face scrunch up involuntarily as I tried to make sense of what I had just witnessed. I had so many questions!? What’s the story there…?

Perhaps she couldn’t make up her mind? She wanted to wear both…so then she thought – well why don’t I?! Or perhaps she has a brother with one leg…and she always takes the spare? Well no, because then she would have two ‘right foots’ or two ‘left foots’ – that wouldn’t work. Erm…maybe she…I don’t know – I JUST DON’T KNOW!?

Make it Stop GIF

And the sad thing is, I’ll never know…her odd shoe story will go forever untold. UNLESS I SEE HER, AND THEN I AM TOTALLY ASKING – I’LL JUST USE BASIC SIGN LANGUAGE! (Point, point – shrug, shrug – point, point – shrug!)

www.facebook.coms/storytimewithjohn

www.youtube.com/storytimewithjohn101

Nike – Just Do…

I don’t know who makes all of the t-shirts in Korea...but there are some bad products out there! Bad is an understatement – there are some AWFUL products out there! Actually, I don’t even know where to begin! Sometimes they are just harmless errors, or sometimes the English doesn’t make sense at all- but occasionally the English sentence is just down-right woeful!

I have no idea who who checks the grammar, or perhaps it doesn’t even matter in people’s minds…but for some reason I reckon the old lady with ‘SEX GIRLS ONLY’ written on her cap would probably have a minor heart attack – if someone where to tell her!

Cringe Host GIF

The best example, (and by best I mean worst!) I can give is this particular instance…you see I was walking around a shopping mall, when a little girl ran into me all of a sudden – this surprised her for a second (and me too!) but then she toddled off someplace else, the image of her stayed with me though. You see she was wearing a t-shirt that was meant to be an imitation of a style one…you know their famous marketing phrase – ‘JUST DO IT!’ Which is supposed to excite people, and tells them they should always try hard, take risks – and do their utmost in every task! Quite inspiring! Right?

Well yes, I certainly think so!

But the imitation t-shirt was just that, And so it wasn’t exactly like the original…it was the same colour, and it had the style tick design…the same type of font for the lettering…but instead of ‘JUST DO IT!’ it read…

‘JUST DO ME!

Which errr, yeah…means something completely different…

www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

Batman Returns

You may not expect it, but as a kindergarten teacher – you have to be VERY aware of what you wear, on a daily basis. If you just slap on clothes, without a second thought…you are asking for trouble!

Awful Wear GIF

Case in point, today I haphazardly threw on a Batman t-shirt, under an open shirt – without really thinking! I just thought it would be an ordinary day…how wrong I was! You see what ensued was an uncontrolled brazen assault by just about every child that spotted me – I had a target on my back! Well, you know…chest…but you get what I mean. They would come up, and attempt to beat me down with their chubby little fists – or attempt sneak attacks from the rear…which were very unwelcome, let me tell you that straight away. No one needs that kind of surprise, especially so early in the morning…the phantom fingers of death as you try to wash your hands…

Jonah Shock GIF

WOWWWEEEE! PLEASE DON’T!

Usually I dress differently, not for any real reason other than I wear what I like to wear – which just so happens to be shirts, ties, and blazers. I’m sure I look quite odd, a little out of place for a kindergarten teacher…who should probably be wearing a rainbow sweater, with like HAPPY UNICORN CHOCOLATE WISHES! Or something like that, written all over it! But no, it’s not really me.

Mind I totally understand where Batman is coming from now, especially the Christian Bale incarnation…not that I am saying I am like him or anything…although we do have the same chest, abs, and biceps…kinda...if you are in the right light…on the right day…HEY IT WAS JUST CHRISTMAS, NO FAIR! But yeah I can relate, I totally get why he was so pissed off all the time, and why his voice was so croaky…it was probably from all the Korean kindergarten kids jumping on him whenever they saw him, prodding him in every orifice – all the while he is screaming in failing desperation “NO, NO, NOOOO!”, but it’s no use! And he has now yelled so much that his voice starts to become crackly after time. He tries drinking honey, and lemon water…but it’s no use.

It would get to you after a while I’m sure. Short version of all this; I’m Batman, basically…but yeah, don’t tell the kids!

Party Hard Batman GIF

 www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

5 Things That Define Me.

I got an email out of the blue recently, with a rather intriguing question – the person wanted to remain anonymous (which is fair enough!), but said they were more than happy with me answering publicly on a blog post! 

The question was a lot longer, but in essence boiled down to – “what are five things that you feel defines you as a person?” Now, I’ll admit it took me a while…but after some soul-searching, and head scratching, I think I have a roughly formed answer…so, here goes…

1. Sense of Humour:

Funny GIF

This may be an obvious one to most, but I feel that my sense of humour best defines who I am…it’s in lots of ways my coping mechanism in awkward situations (that old stereotype), but in others I feel it serves to simply make my outlook brighter – as by making others laugh, as well as myself – it boosts my overall state of mind…and makes me feel healthier, and happier in the process. Naturally this site has taken that to the next level, and has worked wonders.

Wasn’t going to say this – but whatever – as someone who has secretly felt deeply depressed, and on  the brink of bi-polar disorder the past couple of years…my sense of humour has provided that light at the end of the tunnel.

Think of all of my stories, without any of the humour…they would just be inane ramblings about how fucked up, and horrible the world is, right? They would be just post after post, of how miserable I find my existence.Well, that was me, I’m embarrassed to say…so I guess I am starting things by saying thank you. 

Anyway, back to the jokes, here’s the next one:

2. Fashion Sense:

Style GIF

I’m not saying I am a diva, or anything of the sort! I don’t even follow trends for the most part, I just know what I like, and I like what I wear! It wasn’t always that way…Linkin Park hoody here…shaven head there…but after a few years of copying styles, and trying to fit in…I am finally at a point where I just don’t give a shit about all that.

Still wish I had more money so I could splash out a lot more, but for now I just have to Gok Wan it, by switching around stuff to make “fabulous” outfits. And yeah…I do like shopping…if that’s weird, then so be it, man!

3. Love of Food:

SpongeBob Food GIF

Listen – I tried the whole healthy eating thing, I kinda still go to the gym (ish), but I just can’t deny the bond I have with food. I’ve tried, and I’ve failed. What can I say? I can’t live without it! 

It must be love…as my old Grandmother used to say every time she was feeding me, “It’s like stuffing a bloody couch with you!”  But then again, if I ever declined food she said I was, “turning into one of those anorexics!” 

So hmm…couldn’t ever win. Whatever the reason, food is my soul-mate…my BFF.

4. Hip-Hop:

Hip Hop Hmmm GIF

Yeah, I get that look a lot. But music is a big part of my life, and although I love a whole host of stuff from other genres (your favorite artists included, perhaps!) Nothing has touched my soul like hip-hop has…and no, not so much the, bling-bling, yo-yo-yo, etc, etc, type (that’s my parent’s perception of it largely!) But instead I am talking about the early Outkast stuff, Talib Kweli, The Roots…Big KRIT…and so many more, clever wordsmiths, who touch on so many issues, and subjects the world can resonate with…if they just listen...all with a sense of humour and wit, without making the song “jokey”, or cheesey…they speak of a desire for something greater, about the work-ethic required to get there – and how true happiness has to be the goal to feel accomplished. There isn’t anything else like it, for me.

Oh, and yeah I did once think I would be a rapper (in my head only), but I then had a re-think, once I considered the fact you’d have to go up on stage…and in front of people…and…all that…MC RedCheekz…DJ Purrz-Piration…

Don’t really have a ring to it…oh well. 

5. My Mind:

Mind Funny GIF

So much of the human condition in itself is lived through our minds…that in itself, is fascinating to me. I just love the thought of everyone having this rare, and intricately unique tale to tell…and everyone having their own personal view-finder for the life they live. I live in my head, as I am sure lots of people do – thinking through just about everything, and every variation of every subject that pops up in there…my head is basically like a computer with a virus…except I am not sending in Norton any time soon…I am just doing my best to make sense of the pop-ups. 

The novel I am writing at the moment, explores this to the extreme…through the view of a deeply disturbed character. His actions, and his life itself blurs into each other – which has me intrigued…as when I consider this…so does my own. 

~

What about you then? Which 5 things define you? Have a little think – and let me know! Thanks again for the question…really made me think!

www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn

Rappers in skirts…

Rappers in skirts...

Spot the difference…wait…you can’t! All three photos show three fashionable gentlemen at the top of their game, three guys who are leading the way in hip-hop fashion!

Okay…fine…I admit the picture on the left is me in an apron…but still, close enough right?

Like this story? Then why not like the Facebook page? http://www.facebook.com/storytimewithjohn YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE!

%d bloggers like this: