Cock Please

I’ve been asked to provide five possible short stories, which display language errors – for a Korean made English language book – I suppose the aim is to point out possible mistakes that could be made, so that English learners don’t have to make them personally! Anyway, I have to get them done by Sunday! Phew, that’s a lot of work! So yeah, rough and ready; here is the 1st of 5: 

Every once in a while, as Korean work culture dictates – the boss will take all of his employees out for a staff dinner. The set menu of this occasion is usually something like; meal, drinks, more drinking, karaoke, more drinking, then slump back to bed wishing you hadn’t had those last few soju shots. It’s a well established formula, and always makes for gossip fueled dramas, as well as silly memories among your work colleagues. Some people dread it, some people love it.

Dunno GIF

What I wasn’t expecting to be offered was…errr…something other than food, alcohol, and the microphone…I mean I certainly wasn’t expecting to be offered “a cock”. 

You see there I was…happily chowing down on some grilled meat, and vegetables – when my boss leaned in to my ear – and whispered…“would you like – a cock?” Erm. Errr…well, I was frozen to the spot. I didn’t know what to say – no one wants to be rude to their boss, especially in Korea that is a big no-no! So I asked him to repeat his question…maybe I had misheard?

“Would you like a cock?” 

Ralphie Shock GIF

No. I hadn’t misheard – that is most definitely what he had said – I looked around for someone, anyone to save me…thankfully I noticed the waiter next to me, and worked out that he actually meant to say Coke, as in Coca Cola! 

“Oh, yes!” I replied – “One cock, please!”

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I ATE A DOG.

I ate a dog in China, and it has haunted me ever since…I mean you really don’t forget that kinda’ thing! Arghhhhhhhhh! 

Oh, and by the way – while I am here…the WordPress suspension has been lifted, they sent me this message “You may have seen our earlier notice that some social features had been disabled in your account. We have now reversed this block and hope the disruption to your use of our service was minimal.” Thank you so much to each, and every person who expressed concern over the misunderstanding. It was great to see the community come together in that way, and I am beyond appreciative. Honestly, thank you so much. 

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Batman Returns

You may not expect it, but as a kindergarten teacher – you have to be VERY aware of what you wear, on a daily basis. If you just slap on clothes, without a second thought…you are asking for trouble!

Awful Wear GIF

Case in point, today I haphazardly threw on a Batman t-shirt, under an open shirt – without really thinking! I just thought it would be an ordinary day…how wrong I was! You see what ensued was an uncontrolled brazen assault by just about every child that spotted me – I had a target on my back! Well, you know…chest…but you get what I mean. They would come up, and attempt to beat me down with their chubby little fists – or attempt sneak attacks from the rear…which were very unwelcome, let me tell you that straight away. No one needs that kind of surprise, especially so early in the morning…the phantom fingers of death as you try to wash your hands…

Jonah Shock GIF

WOWWWEEEE! PLEASE DON’T!

Usually I dress differently, not for any real reason other than I wear what I like to wear – which just so happens to be shirts, ties, and blazers. I’m sure I look quite odd, a little out of place for a kindergarten teacher…who should probably be wearing a rainbow sweater, with like HAPPY UNICORN CHOCOLATE WISHES! Or something like that, written all over it! But no, it’s not really me.

Mind I totally understand where Batman is coming from now, especially the Christian Bale incarnation…not that I am saying I am like him or anything…although we do have the same chest, abs, and biceps…kinda...if you are in the right light…on the right day…HEY IT WAS JUST CHRISTMAS, NO FAIR! But yeah I can relate, I totally get why he was so pissed off all the time, and why his voice was so croaky…it was probably from all the Korean kindergarten kids jumping on him whenever they saw him, prodding him in every orifice – all the while he is screaming in failing desperation “NO, NO, NOOOO!”, but it’s no use! And he has now yelled so much that his voice starts to become crackly after time. He tries drinking honey, and lemon water…but it’s no use.

It would get to you after a while I’m sure. Short version of all this; I’m Batman, basically…but yeah, don’t tell the kids!

Party Hard Batman GIF

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DRUNK Snorlax!

My second YouTube video…this is my first real story, story…so I hope you enjoy it!  Hopefully it’s funny – I mean, I never really know until I get people’s reaction! 

On an unrelated note, thank you for everyone’s kind words regarding last week’s unfortunate situation – I wanted to bring it back to the fun times, rather than focus on the negatives. Take care, love from me as always!

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Korean Kung-Fu Fighting

Oh my goodness! Look what I just found! I’d forgotten there was video!

p.s. just a little side note – the reason I am moving so robotically, is that my boob piece thing was about to pop out, and my various weaponry was also threatening to fall out of my belt – so it was my little way of trying to minimize movement…urgh…the struggles of a performer, ey? 

p.p.s. Don’t mess with Korean kids, I think that much is clear! 

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According to Gym

Okay, so this is a reply to a rather cheeky email I received yesterday(you know who you are!)…

So the sender asked me how my fitness/diet regime was going…first thought was; “urghhh, fuck you!” Because come on! I am sure anyone with a single brain cell will be able to tell that a pizza/ice cream lover such as myself, won’t be making dramatic transformations any time soon! And I certainly haven’t. 

WARNING! WARNING! EXCUSES ALERT! EXCUSES ALERT! 

You see I had a lot on my plate, you know…I was working a lot, and took on a lot of extra projects; including the NaNoWriMo novel. So starving myself, and running till I want to kill myself – fell down the pecking order when it came to importance. Also food is so delicious, which is a bummer. I blame the companies…I blame the…chef…I blame…cheese. I blame YOU.  Yeah, you reading this – it’s all your fault. I’m not sure why…but HOW DARE YOU.

Will Allergic GIF

Ahem. Sorry Will…I’m just joking, I have noticed some changes, I won’t show you the before picture…because I just looked and one of my nipples looks like a rotten hamburger for some reason, so the internet doesn’t need that. Trust me when I say I was a podgy little dumpling. The scales say I have only lost a gram (honestly!) since I begun, I did strip off like 2kg after a month or so, but then ice cream happened.

I feel half finished with it all, as I like doing weights, and that’s about it. I didn’t really get into it…the other day it was amazing, I was waiting for the elevator to go up to the gym…and I suddenly said to myself, “don’t go…how about we just don’t go?” And I was like, “yeah, great idea! Good thinking!” And then I turned around, and just walked out of the building,  I felt like a fucking time traveller! I had just saved time, I was like Doctor Who or something, I was about to be thrown into some horrible time vortex for a couple of hours, but now I would be able to do whatever I wanted! Namely lying down. Great!

Anyway, this is the “progress” so far – which I was reminded that I  I’d post (don’t recall this)…sorry about the middle finger, I am a little sensitive about my…well, everything. 

Fitness

I am leaving Korea tomorrow, and have a day in China (Beijing), before heading back to England for Christmas! That will ensure the demise of any healthy eating routine…but there’s always next year? Right? Right. Also I am going through a break-up right now, so that is double servings of ice cream right there…yes, thugs like me have feelings too. 

Anyway…thanks for the email(s)! I really appreciate each, and every one of you guys – and I mean that sincerely! Merry Christmas if I don’t post again this month! Much love! x

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Indiana John

Due to recently returning to South Korea, (after a few months travelling in a few other countries) I found myself reminiscing on the previous year I had spent in this lovely place…and the certain comedy capers I got up to during that time. One in particular stood out, and that is the tale of Indiana John, I hope you enjoy it!

I had just enjoyed a lovely few days visiting the glorious Jeju Island, a semi-tropical paradise island which is a boat ride away from the mainland. I had went with a large travel group, which isn’t my usual way of doing things – but it is sometimes nice to let free of the reigns, and let someone else do all the hectic brain-work. Your guide tells you when you are all getting on the bus, when you will arrive, when you can take photographs, when you can pee, and so much more…after a while you feel a bit demeaned I am sure – but as a short term solution, it is strangely comforting not to have to deal with all of those irritating issues. You can just relax, and let it all go…

Relaxation GIF

So we were on our way home, the convoy of coaches had dropped us all off at the ferry terminal – and soon we would be shepherded inside, and told exactly what the plan was. Most of us were hungover, sun-burnt, and tired…in short, we had just had a brilliant few days (and we were now all suffering because of it!) As we made our way inside, the guide asked for passports, and ID cards…and got to work getting all of our tickets from the counter. There was some issue that caused there to be a huge delay, but remember I had let those reigns go so I didn’t pay much attention! Something to do with the numbers not matching, or the colours being different, or, well I have no idea – the guide seemed freaked out, in fact he appeared to have entered the realm of nervous breakdown – as he was frantically sprinting around the place from corner to corner, which I found to be doubly odd as we hadn’t even had lunch yet; so where he was getting this renewed energy from, I just don’t know.

Everyone appeared to make the decision to spread out, and dodge out of the way of his mad marathon dash. My friends found a quiet corner, and I popped to the store to get some drinks and snacks – to weather out this tedious wait with a little bit more joy. Others from the larger group had the same idea, or meandered around the shops looking for last minute relics, and souvenirs. I felt like some form of demi-god when I returned, as if there would be a harp playing, and a glowing golden halo around my head – after all it was a sweaty, gross kind of heat, and this was a stuffy and dirty kind of place. We ended up sitting on the floor with our bags as makeshift cushions, taking long slurps from our beer and occasionally pointing out the places people had caught the sun particularly badly. Of course I was the main topic of conversation – as it looked like I had just had a bare-knuckle fist fight with the sun, and lost.

“BLEURRRRGHH-BLEURGHHH-BLAHHH!”

A strange Korean man, who strongly resembled Taz of Tasmania, had just taken it upon himself to rudely interrupt our happy little scene. He was speaking in an odd tone that made no sense to anyone, worse still he was a heavy spitter – and we were drenched with a sloppy saliva shower every time he opened his mouth. As he used the wall to stabilize himself, he continued complaining…we looked at each other, in a don’t look at me, this guy is crazy kinda way, totally dumbfounded…hoping that one of us would be able to comprehend what his problem was, instead we all just shrugged at one another – we felt glued to the ground, as he lorded over us, spraying us with spit, and stifling us with his heavily alcoholic breath.

Bad Breath - GIF

A savior stepped in, thank the Lord! A short middle-aged Korean guy, put an arm around him, and spoke in soft tones, whilst guiding him away…he turned, and politely apologised on the drunk guy’s behalf – “no problem, no problem!” we all stammered, simply happy to be rid of him. The drunk man looked to have been sufficiently calm as he was walked away, but just when we began to begin our past tense “well that was weird” conversations, he BURST back into life! Pushing and shoving the other man, grabbing him by the scruff of his neck and wrestling with him, the man was largely powerless against his drunken flailing arms – our group began to shriek, and gasp – I stood up and ran over, dragging the two apart – and in doing so, I unintenitionally threw the intoxicated guy into the corner with a large crash!

Phew, that was intense. More exercise than I like to do on a Sunday…but necessary. I asked our savior if he was okay,  he rubbed at his throat – but assured me he was…the other guy seemed out of steam thankfully, and decided to stay put.

But…what was…what was that sound?

VVVVVVVVVUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Huh? Wait…“THE SHUTTERS ARE CLOSING?!” I heard someone scream – I suppose that in the scuffle, someone had smashed into the switch, busting it off the wall – and setting the roller shutter doors in motion…in a few short seconds they would close, and we would be locked in the small corner section we had settled in…locked in with the drunk belligerent lunatic! “IT’S CLOSING, GRAB YA BAGS, GRAAAAB YA FAAAAKIN BAAAAAAGS!!” People stared at me, seemingly not sure what I was going on about, they looked almost as clueless as the drunk guy who was still sat on the floor smirking at the whole situation…“COME ON, YOU ARE GOING TO BE LOCKKKKKED IN – FAACKIN LOCKED…URGH! NOW!”

Those who had snapped out of their daze ran under to safety, by the time I made it to the shutters there was only a few feet left before I would be entombed along with everyone else…I hurled the bags under, and did an awkward little roll. CRAAAASHHHH.

Indiana GIF

OH GOD…I’d made it…just. I opened my eyes, and stood up – the main section of the ferry terminal stared at me, people from the group…children, grandmas…all without a clue as to the crazy events that had just unfolded. That was until there was loud, petrified banging from the other end – then they started to pay attention!

Along with some other bystanders, we attempted to use the switch from the other side – but it was well and truly broken, and the mechanism would only go down further, crushing the metal into the ground…we had desperate conversations through the roller shutter door, which were made difficult as the offending mad bastard had decided he too would voice his opinion on the situation, through his typical grunts and growls.

Ten minutes or so had passed, we had tried to pull it up with the aid of ten or so men, but still no luck – we had called for security, and still they were not here…would they really just have to stay there forever?!

“It’s okay, guys…guys? We will get you out of there alright? Listen…guys?”

“Hi John!” Their voices sounded strange…and distant, it echoed around the room – they sounded so close, but they were so far away…

“I’ll get you out – we’ll get you out…I promise you…”

Crying Guy GIF

“JOHN!” they shouted againI began to reply, but was interrupted when I then felt a short jab to my ribs – I turned around to see them all stood there, shaking with excitement…but for the most part, okay. Well, alive at least. I thought I was seeing things, and was largely speechless, I kept pointing at the closed shutters, and back to them – they explained that security had a small door inside that section, just in case (does this happen all the time?!?!) – and that they had taken the drunk guy away, one would hope for a cup of tea, and a lie down; that’s definitely what he needed!

Just as we were happily reunited, the tour guide ran up to us, asking us where we had been – but not waiting for a reply – “COME ON, WE HAVE TO GOOOOO!” 

It was over as quick as it had all started…we spoke about it that night, checking again, and again with each other, just in case it hadn’t really happened…I had always secretly wanted to the Indiana Jones roll…but I thought that it isn’t a thing that happens in real life…well…one of the bucket list. Here’s to that! 

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NEVER try to reason with kids…

Just a quick one here, but do please tell me what you would do in this situation.

You see today one of the kids made it his aim to bite my bottom at all costs…like, he wasn’t going to let anything get in his way until my butt cheeks were shredded to pieces and bleeding profusely (not that it matters or anything, but I was wearing white so this would have been an issue)…anyway, yeah – not sure if this kid hadn’t had breakfast or if he had just watched Jaws, but either way he just wouldn’t stop! And I wasn’t really sure what I was supposed to do…like do I just let him do it till he gets bored…or do I make him a sandwich? Like seriously…

He’s one of those huge, how the hell are you only six kinds of kids – I am not sure what his Mother feeds him, but if I had to guess it would be probably be something like; steroids, Miracle-Gro and elephant meat. Anyway…with that said, he is six, so restraining him was still not much of a challenge, even for a skinny guy like me. Problem was that when I put him in a corner by himself, he would start thumping himself on the head, over, and over, and over, and over…

Continue reading “NEVER try to reason with kids…”

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